Interim President Garnett Stokes Runs on Strong Platform of Not Being John Thrasher

As the FSU student body pretends to know and care what is happening with the presidential search, two names have emerged as top candidates for the position: interim president Dr. Garnett Stokes and republican senator John Thrasher.  Both candidates bring their own unique qualifications to the table. Thrasher is leading Governor Rick Scott’s reelection campaign and has raised millions of dollars for FSU during his time within the legislature, while Garnett Stokes has multiple years’ experience of not being John Thrasher. Student hate for the state senator has grown rapidly in recent weeks. “FUCK John Thrasher” said FSU junior Nate Pierce. “I mean to be honest, I’ve been going here for three years and never even knew FSU had a president. But from everything I’ve read on other people’s Facebook statuses, Thrasher sounds like the worst person imaginable.” This level of student disapproval hasn’t been seen since the new logo was announced, which of course students completely forgot about as soon as Jameis stole those crab legs.

Meanwhile, support for Garnett Stokes has increased greatly as students and faculty members consider the alternative. Enthusiasm for Dr. Stokes has grown so much that the traditional Garnet & Gold cheer at football games has been replaced with the Garnett & Stokes cheer in which one side of the stadium chants “GARNETT” and the other side replies with “STOKES.”

Despite the notable qualifications and experience of all other candidates, this campaign has essentially become a race between Garnett and Gold- John Thrasher’s gold that is. While the choice of candidate may be clear for everyone on campus with an opinion and common sense, students and faculty only make up one-third of the committee to hire the president. Which means, like in any presidential election, nothing you say or do matters.