Just When You Thought I Couldn’t Be Any More of a Dick – An Editorial by FSU Student Body President Stefano Cavallaro

To My Fellow Students, I bet you probably thought you wouldn’t ever hear from me again. I mean, after everyone got pissed at me for the stunt I pulled at the Thrasher hearing, you’d think I’d have learned my lesson and started to do a better job, right? HA! I guess you guys just don’t know me that well. There’s a lot of rumors flying around about me right now because some girl tried to say that I “forced her to resign” from her position on SGA. She claimed I casually invited her in for a meeting and then physically wouldn’t let her leave until she signed her resignation letter. I’ve been catching a lot of shit for this but no one has heard my side of the story. I want to take a moment to explain myself to everyone and show that her claims are more of a joke than the Vitality Party.

First of all, I barely know who this girl is. Julianne I think is her name, maybe Judy, something like that. Truth be told, outside of squashing any possible competition to Ignite Party, I don’t really pay attention to anything that goes on around here. But now, Julianne is trying to say her resignation isn’t valid, that I fired her for no reason, and that she is going to show up to work after already quitting.

Here’s the honest truth, yeah I fired her, forced her to resign, whatever. She wants to know a reason? Well here’s a reason, Julianne: I’m the fucking president. I found out recently it says in the FSU Student Code that the president has the ability to fire whoever he wants, so I figured why not? I have such unmerited self-confidence from this practically meaningless position already; I might as well ride this power trip to its full extent. What I didn’t expect though, is that she would actually have the guts to challenge me. Does she even know who she’s dealing with? I won republican of the year in high school. That’s an actual fact, you can look it up.

Julianne also says that I intimidated her and treated her unfairly, but none of that is really my fault. That’s just how I end it with people; just ask any of my ex-girlfriends. I broke up with my last girlfriend by inviting her over for our typical Pawn Stars and Grandma Cavallaro’s homemade moonshine night, but then when she got there I locked the door and wouldn’t let her leave until she agreed to my break up terms. She never saw it coming, it was great. I’m so bad at breaking up with people that I’m actually going to use this editorial to break up with my current girlfriend. Sorry babe, it’s just not working out.

In the end though, I’m not worried, because this is Florida State University and powerful people aren’t held responsible for their actions. I’m here to stay, and even after I graduate you’ll just vote for the next douchey Ignite candidate. So I’ll just continue to act incredulously self-important until someone tells me to stop, which spoiler alert: will be never.

Sincerely,

Stefano J. Cavallaro

Student Body President