John Thrasher Enacts Mandatory “ThrasherCare” Health Program for All Students

Former senator John Thrasher has officially begun his tenure as Florida State University’s new president, and has wasted no time making an impact on the school. On Monday, Thrasher unveiled his new ThrasherCare medical program, mandatory for all students to sign up for starting immediately. As part of the new program, students must sign documents legally recognizing the healing power of prayer and agree to a four year abstinence pledge in a contract that must be notarized by Thrasher himself. “It feels good to finally start making a positive impact on this school,” said President Thrasher as he decorated his new office with old Nixon campaign posters and an autographed photo of Kirk Cameron. “These students have had it too easy for too long. It’s time they start doing things my way and God’s way, which are the same.”

Along with the abstinence pledge, ThrasherCare forces students to only visit doctors that go to church with the Thrasher family and requires all freshman to take an economics class from a Koch Brothers-approved professor. “For too long the focus of this school has been on academics,” Thrasher says. “When the Board of Trustees hired me, it was clear they wanted that to change.” ThrasherCare also forbids professors from teaching anything before the year 4,000 BC and replaces the “Evolution of Human Sexuality” class with “Creation of Waiting Till Marriage”.

Despite President Thrasher’s good intentions, many are upset with his new policies, including athletic director Stan Wilcox. “Why is Thrasher wasting his time creating health care policies?” Wilcox says. “As far as I’m concerned, the only job of an FSU president is to refute stories written by the New York Times, and we need that now more than ever.”

Students can begin signing up online for ThrasherCare starting this week, although problems with the website are almost certainly expected.