Eggplant Spotlight: Lesser Known Florida Rivalries

Every Floridian with a pulse knows about the infamous rivalry between Florida State University and The University of Florida, which culminated in a FSU victory on Saturday. But as it turns out, few people know about the other intense rivalries within the Sunshine State: University of Central Florida VS. University of South Florida:

Step aside FSU/UF there’s a new football rivalry in town and it’s doing all-KNIGHT! Nobody really knows when these two universities looked at FSU/UF and were like “hey we could do that too” but we’re all so glad they did. The Knights jousted the heck out of the Bulls this past Black Friday, thus proving that Floridian human mascots will always dominate their animal counterparts. What a KNIGHT!

During USF hate week, UCF singles out every student with the zodiac sign of “Taurus” and then forces them to hitchhike to Tampa because no Bulls allowed! USF then dresses these students in knight costumes and places them in an actual bull fighting range, equipped only with plastic swords and crippling fear. The only way out is to publicly denounce all Knight puns or to die. Both universities claim this rivalry is all in good fun, but it seems kinda like BULL-ying if you ask us!

ITT Technical Institute VS. a “Technology for Dummies” Book: 

This rivalry is bubbling with financial tensions! The full profit university ITT Technical Institute, like all full profits, is known for charging ridiculous amounts of money to learn skills just as easily acquired through a $20 purchase of a “Technology for Dummies” book at your local Barnes and Noble. This rivalry is a generally new one, replacing Florida’s once intense rivalry between taking an apprenticeship and “just winging it.” The fighting between these two takes place almost entirely on Yahoo Answers threads, wherein heated debates ensue after somebody asks whether or not a full profit university is really worth it. Spoiler alert: it almost never is!

 University of Miami Football Season VS. Actual Hurricane Season:

This rivalry is fun because it hits so close to home! Every year, hurricane season and UM football season overlap during the first few months of fall and the results are a bloodbath of stormy rivalry. Despite fervent attempts to settle the rivalry and get the formal support of actual hurricanes in the late 80s, The University of Miami’s attempts were formally declined and mocked. This mockery was shown most notably with the creation of Hurricane Andrew, which devastated South Florida in 1992. That really showed the Canes!

Seaworld VS. The Atlantic Ocean:

This rivalry has gotten a lot of recent hype. For decades, Seaworld has kidnapped inhabitants of the Atlantic Ocean (and other oceans) to entertain sweaty Croc wearing tourists, who had one day left in their family’s Disney vacation and thought, “what the heck, might as well check out Seaworld!” Recently, the Atlantic Ocean fought back and bankrolled a documentary called “Blackfish” in attempt to really shake things up. Some speculate that the Atlantic Ocean is just overcompensating due to its well-known Pacific Ocean inferiority complex, but then everybody remembers just how much Seaworld fucking sucks and lets it go.

Pitbull Vs. Pit Bulls:

This rivalry is between Mr. 305 and a breed of dogs, many of whom are also from Miami, but get less hype. The state of Florida was shocked when this rivalry originally came about, mostly because both Pits have been known to get a lot of criticism, so one would think they’d be on each other’s side. But due to recent campaigns painting pit bulls in a more positive light, the dogs have received a lot more public support, whereas Mr. 305 has not. In attempt to no longer be associated with anything terrible, pit bulls have announced a formal rivalry with the rapper, in the hopes that he will change his name to a more appropriate breed of dog, preferably a bald yippee dog of some sort.

Jimmy Buffett’s Cheeseburger in Paradise VS. Mcdonald’s Value Menu:

“I like mine with lettuce and tomato, Heinz 57 and french fried potatoes!” Heck yeah Jimmy Buffet, so do a lot of people, but evidently not every Floridian feels the same about this preference of the cheeseburger. Despite his extreme sunshine state fame in the late 70s and early 80s, Buffett’s celebrity was significantly impacted by the stock market crash of 2008. Floridians no longer could afford a $13 cheeseburger and an ice-cold beer, let alone the Caribbean vacation implied by the song. As a result, many have turned to the Mcdonald’s value menu to supplement their cheeseburger needs. Mcdonald’s calls these burgers “Cheeseburgers in a Dire Economic State.”