Tennessee St. McDonald’s Enacts $5 Cover Charge for Guaranteed Entertainment

Every weekend, people gather by the hundreds to the infamous Tennessee St. McDonald’s to distract themselves from their disappointing lives by surrounding themselves with people living even shittier lives. As the late night drunken sideshow has increasingly grown in popularity, manager Chris Stanley has decided to enact a five dollar cover charge to enter the restaurant after 11 P. M., effective immediately. “We know our guests aren’t coming for the shitty customer service and ice cream machine that’s always broken,” Stanley explains, ignoring the heated argument going on between a frat star and a cop nearby. “It’s the shit show that keeps them coming, so it’s the shit show that we’re gonna charge them for.”

“I mean come on, this stuff is fucking priceless,” Stanley says. “Last Friday, I saw twenty asscheeks. Twenty! That’s ten individual asses! I would be an idiot to let people see this for free.”

Some customers, like recent med-school dropout Jay Florence, are upset by the new policy but far too lazy to do anything about it. “It sucks, but I get it. No one comes here for the food, they come because they’re drunk or sad, or both, like me,” Florence says. “I literally just watched the guy in the back go out of his way to take out the 10th nugget from my 10 piece. But hey, who am I to judge?”

Despite criticism, manager Stanley assures future customers that there will never be a dull moment. “I’ve been here for over 30 years and have never once not hated or not feared for my life. Trust me, $5 is a small price to pay to say, ‘Hey, at least I’m not that guy’ ten times in one night.”