Campus Preacher Fucking Slays

This past Monday, the FSU campus was divinely blessed by the presence of traveling preacher Brother Jed, who spoke for nine hours on a variety of topics ranging from homosexuality to more about homosexuality. Brother Jed has been to hundreds of college campuses in his preaching career, but on Monday, in his humble opinion, he fucking killed it. “I mean, I always said I was speaking the word of God but I never really believed it until what I heard coming out of my mouth yesterday,” said Jed, who successfully convinced three atheist philosophy majors that the world is 6,000 years old and that dinosaur fossils are a conspiracy from the devil. “I even went into a Biology class and made the professor cry when I proved that evolution is false because it’s not in the Bible.”

Brother Jed’s sermon outside the student union got the attention of everyone on campus, even President John Thrasher. “Finally there’s someone on this campus who agrees with me,” said Thrasher, who bonded with the preacher about how global warming has to be false because it is a little bit cold outside. Brother Jed also received attention from various football players who heard a voice yelling offensive things in the student union and thought Jameis Winston was back.

After his extremely successful day, Brother Jed plans to return to Florida State next week and finish the job he started. “I’m not gonna stop preaching here until every student at this school is saved,” he said. “Or until the guy with the ‘Save the Clitorises’ sign finally leaves. Either way, that’s how I know my job here will be done.”