Delta Tau Delta Prepares for Concealed Carry Laws to Pass

In preparation for the allowance of concealed firearms on campus, fraternity Delta Tau Delta has transformed their residence space into a highly militarized protective fort. The fraternity’s HGTV Home Makeover-worthy revamp includes a fortified wall of defense in the yard, a wine cellar-turned-gun collection, a barrack full of bunk beds, and a bomb shelter full of pledges watching American Sniper on a constant loop. “If these bills pass, campus is going to be a walking warzone,” said DTD member, Kyle Redding. “We just want to take every possible precaution to be prepared. Will people laugh at us? Sure. But they do that anyways so what’s the difference?”

“If I see a crazy guy pull out a gun on campus and start shooting people, hell yeah I’d want the right to pull out my gun and start firing back,” said Remus Calhoun, another DTD member. “But I totally get why other people might not want that because I have terrible aim and my personal idol is every Jason Statham character.”

The potential passing of these crucial gun law bills, which would allow concealed weapon carriers onto campuses, comes at a stressful time for the Delts because it overlaps with their annual “pretend to have actually done something for your country” party. Luckily, members of the fraternity have found a way to kill two birds with one stone.

“The party this weekend is actually going to be a gun safety instruction class/Recon party,” said Kevin McEvoy, DTD Vice President. “We really don’t think people should worry though, we’re all certified to teach this class because our dads own guns, and we’re also still serving drinks, so it should be fun.”