Bearded Men Protest Cultural Appropriation of No Shave November

Taking a break from their busy schedule of secretly brewing craft beer in the All Saint’s bathroom and writing not-likely-to-be-published think pieces on the genius of Shia LaBeouf, Tallahassee’s year-round bearded men are finally taking a stand against the annual ‘No Shave November’ event, which they believe is appropriating their culture. This controversy, just like many American controversies, stems from fragile masculinity and each man’s own perception of what it means to be a ‘real man,’ as if having a dick and white privilege means nothing. “The cultural appropriation needs to stop,” proclaimed bearded man Jesse Stratberg as he stood on the corner of Gaines and Railroad holding a sign that read ‘NO NO SHAVE NOVEMBER’ with an uncharacteristic lack of irony. “We will not rest until every appropriative beard is shaved and every Woodser flannel is set to flame.”

Every year, thousands of men grow out their facial in honor of ‘No Shave November,’ which is both an excuse to be lazy about shaving and to receive attention on social media. “My girlfriend acts like she’s not into it, but I know she’s probably queefing herself over how manly I look right now,” remarked participant Sebastian Morrissey as he finger-combed his moustache, the only facial hair he’s able to grow. “I just hope she knows that NSN is for dudes only, and if she stops shaving her vagina I will break up with her with the vigor of Ron Swanson at a steakhouse.”

“Having a beard isn’t just about wearing flannel and quoting Ron Swanson,” clarified Stratberg. “It’s about being mistaken for homeless on a daily basis. It’s about being broken up with after your ex grows sick of pieces of your beard getting into her mouth while making out. It’s about sacrifice, relentlessness and getting hired at a whiskey bar with no experience whatsoever. Having a beard is more than a look, it’s a (completely voluntary) lifestyle, and you bigots will never understand our strife.”