Breaking: Pete Davidson Not Hot in Person, Either
Well, it happened. One of the biggest weeks of the year for people who wished they could have gone to prom a fifth time in high school came around at last: Homecoming. Horny adults all across campus were delighted when it was announced that Pete Davidson, owner of the tongue with the largest surface area in the world, would be the Pow Wow comedian. Unfortunately for everyone, it was soon discovered that Ariana Grande’s famous ex was, well, not that hot.
“I didn’t really understand it when everyone on the internet was just throwing their panties at this guy. I stared at pictures of him on Google Images for hours trying to comprehend how anyone could want to consummate a relationship with someone who’s basically just a tall ghost with anemia,” explained Pow Wow attendee Robert Paddington as he rubbed his temples in confusion and scrolled through paparazzi photos of the '“Saturday Night Live” youngin’ on Just Jared. “I thought maybe when I saw him in person it would all make sense, but it didn’t! I couldn’t tell you one piece of his set. I was too busy trying to imagine a better haircut on him to see if there was any way he could be considered attractive. No homo, though.”
“As someone notoriously drenched for Pete Davidson, I was, like, super disappointed. How is it possible that someone doesn’t look as good in person as they do in the very selective photosets that high school stan accounts choose to upload on Twitter?” said former fangirl Bella Stewart as she tearfully deleted her “Unbathed, Tall HypeBeast Boys” Pinterest board. “I was willing to risk it all just to get a peek into those grey sweatpants - and since I’m a Cancer, he was supposed to be the one. Now that I know he looks like Casper’s tired, coked-up cousin I guess I can move onto other celebrities who might be ugly in person, like Timothée Chalamet or Bradley Cooper.”
Unlike the famous quote from Julius Caesar: they came, they saw, they wept. The unmentionables of Pete Davidson fanatics all around campus dried up like grapes left in the sun at the sight of those poor gaunt eyes and seemingly endless slim figure. Perhaps the greatest performance of all time was not Pete Davidson yelling about “the sensitivity of college students,” but rather the idea that he and the Internet somehow fooled everyone into thinking he was hot. Which, news flash, he’s not.