FSU Union Opening Pushed to 2050 Following $18 Million Taggart Buy-Out
In light of the recent FSU football-Apprentice crossover episode (read: you’re fired), the new student union has been delayed yet again as an oval ball of leather has been prioritized over student organizations that further the development of a top twenty university—not to mention a functional Einstein Bros. Much to the relief of the booster club and former frat star dads, FSU has said goodbye to a disappointing head coach. However, like the course map of a fifth-year-senior adding yet another minor, things elsewhere on campus are simply not on track. But for seasoned FSU students that have never entered the Strozier bathroom to not find a trash-bagged toilet, prioritizing football over student needs comes as no surprise.
“As a PR major, I just think it’s interesting that FSU’s going to scrap another head coach mid-season. That would be like me losing my Dance Marathon position just because I thought #FTK stood for fuck them kids,” said the owner of a white jeep and worst person you’ve ever met, Palmer Shannon. “It’s honestly, like, such a bummer that I’m never going to get to pick up a package at a UPS store that’s not in a trailer. I just think it’s funny that last week FSU had ‘no money’ and needed my 10 cents to print a sheet of paper with a single sentence on it, but now there’s magically enough money to give a guy a bonus for not doing his job? And I’m no financial wizard; I thought making people pay me on Venmo was tax fraud. Anyway, do you think it’s too late to return the Taggart Time t-shirt I bought four months ago?”
Not everyone was as disappointed by the university’s below-the-table money jerk, including Club Downunder Special Events Coordinator and proud new pescatarian Jillian Walden. “It’s honestly a good thing that the Union construction has been delayed. Now we can keep hosting quirky events at arguably much cooler venues around town, like the Wilbury and the abandoned house next door to my friend Morgan’s place,” said Walden while adjusting her short bangs and silver septum ring. “Yeah, it’s not ideal that the Union won’t be up and running for another thirty years, but hey, at least we know FSU’s got their priorities straight. What good are smooth-running student organizations without a mediocre football program to steal the spotlight?”
It is obvious that the news of Willie Taggart’s firing has sparked plenty of controversy and conversation surrounding the financial priorities of Florida State and its many loyal donors. While the disgraced football coach will surely find work at a school that actually understands the concept of time and the importance of a well-rounded athletic program, the student facilities on campus that could have used a good sprucing with a cut of that sweet $20 million payout will continue to rot for decades to come. For now, all FSU students and faculty can do is close their eyes and pray for a revamped football program while freshmen are left to dream of the arrival of the on-campus Panera Bread—if it even exists. At least we finally #DidSomething.