Einstein Bros. Bagels Implements Death Penalty for Blocking the Coffee Station
It is common knowledge that the only half-decent place in Nole Nation is Einstein Bagels. The only downside is that this is common knowledge. That tiny little shack is constantly filled with students stumbling out of their 8 a.m. Calc lectures who want to treat themselves for showing up. Students come from far and wide to stand in a line that’s almost out the door for an artisanal bagel while checking Snapchat to keep their dying friendships alive through their daily “streaks.” But when all these students order, where do they go? They’re corralled in a small area like the hungry beasts they are, of course, with at least ten being forced to lean on the coffee station at any given moment. Instead of having the employees constantly beg the students to stop, corporate has decided to take a more drastic measure: the death penalty.
“It’s made things a lot easier,” says Allison Roberts, a student employee at Einstein’s. “I’m trying to slice a bagel as unevenly as possible; I don’t have time to walk all the way to the little microphone and ask students who are too busy listening to Post Malone to move one foot closer to the center of the room.” After decreeing that any student found to be leaning on the plastic countertop would meet their maker, the amount of infractions has dropped rapidly. “So far, we’ve only sent 3 students to the Taggart Memorial Execution Room. Weirdly enough, the threat seems to be a pretty good motivator, even though at least half of our patrons swear that they are going to ‘just die’ if they can’t get an Asiago with cream cheese.”
The student body has adjusted very quickly to the threat of capital punishment for slightly inconveniencing others. Einstein’s has become practically unrecognizable from the chaos-filled cafe that once was. “Ever since the new policy was implemented, we’ve all stood silent in a perfect square in the middle of the room. All headphones are taken off within 15 feet of the building, so now the soundtrack of my morning bagel run is just the blender making Caribou Coolers (the poorest man’s Frappuccino). I live every day in fear,” whispered sophomore Evan Johnson. “I have never had to do that whole ‘following rules’ thing before cause my dad’s a cop and could totally beat up your dad, but there’s nowhere better to get breakfast, so it’s either play by their rules or die.”
The question must be posed as to whether the cost of lethal injection is the same as the couple seconds it takes to get around some dude with a longboard on the way to get day-old coffee. Should bagel shop employees be the judge, jury and executioner? If you ask the Einstein Bros. Bagel Company, they would say yes. If you asked any number of freshmen who were just trying to get a muffin and instead lost their roommate to the wrath of the Bagel Bros., they might disagree.