Coach Odell Haggins Says “No” to Bowl Game: “The Boys Gotta Earn It”

After a fiery season of football or whatever boomers are calling it nowadays, FSU’s team finally got their sh*t together and won the last two games they needed to make a bowl game. The rich white men who donated their children’s inheritance can hear the bells, but Coach Odell Haggins still can’t. Whether that be because of hearing loss from his locker room “pep talks” or the echoing “boos” from FSU’s previous losses is undetermined. Nevertheless, Haggins was determined to deny the football team their bowl game, citing “dingus-like behavior” and a season “more disappointing than my artist son.” The final straw came when Hornibrook, aka “Horni,” tripped on touchdowns for the fifth consecutive game, leading Odell to decide that the team just “didn’t earn it this year.” 

“He took away all of our footballs and made us practice with 20-pound bricks. It’s totally bogus,” said freshman starter Jered Kish, while soaking his grubby little fingers in an ice bucket. “I barely get to play during second-string practice, yet here I am with bruised knuckles feeling sorry for myself. Coach Taggart would never make us run in stilettos and sing Lizzo during practice, but Odell says it’s our punishment for playing like drunk fifth graders. Honestly, some of the guys enjoy it, especially since it kinda reminds us of that one episode of ‘Glee.’”

“These boys think that since they won two games in a row they can just go play in a bowl game and pretend like they’re a top ten team again. Wrong-o! They gotta show me that they earned that shit. Also, if they don’t win that bowl game, I’ll probably get fired, too. Might as well just skip it,” said Odell Haggins after forcing the players to sort through a pile of hay to find a needle as a way of helping them “hone their footwork.” “They need someone to give them a whooping. Sure as hell Taggart didn’t. Rumor has it Willie’s moved to a castle north of Scotland just to get outside of ESPN’s broadcast range. I don’t blame him after watching this team struggle to win every week.” 

Sure, the team has improved exponentially since the loss of Taggart, but that doesn’t mean they’re going to continue meeting the absolute bare minimum. If we get too confident, the Seminole Boosters might ask for their money back, and we know now that they only have a couple dozen million to spare. Hopefully Haggins will ease up and allow the team to play in the Toilet Bowl™, but for now, all we can do is pray for a win against UF. Go Noles! And #FreeRenegade! His cage is too tiny, and he is too sexy.