Breaking: Jack Denton Offered Thrasher’s Job in Case Settlement Because Judge “Feels Bad for Him”

FSU continues to surprise students with their recent announcements and rulings these past few weeks. Clubs are at full capacity, FSU organizations can have gatherings of fifty people, and you don’t need the golden ticket of a COVID negative test to enter Doak anymore. It’s almost as if Ron DeSantis himself was cast in the role of FSU’s puppet master this year. In the middle of a lot of shocking changes, there was a glimmer of empathy shed on former FSU Senate President, Jack Denton. The court ruled that instead of compensating him with a paycheck for sitting on his ass and trolling the Transgender community at FSU, they would offer him the position as the 16th President of Florida State University. 

When we got to speak with the federal judge assigned to the case, their reasoning was simple. “I just feel bad for the little guy. Cancel culture is squeezing the life out of him. His peers and those students on Twitter are the real ‘grave evils’ here. When he looked at us with those Caucasian puppy dog eyes, we knew his measly paycheck wouldn’t be enough. Plus, he did say ‘please.’ The stars really aligned on this one,” the judge said while polishing a picture of Denton’s ass cheeks on his desk. “Thrasher announced his retirement in September and FSU hadn’t thought of anyone else to fill the position yet. That FSU Class of 2022 Facebook Page has really been ripping him a new one over the past few months. It just feels like we owe it to him.” 

“Jack is so not transphobic. He’s just Catholic--a religion that famously doesn’t hold biases against marginalized groups. He cared about students’ lifestyle choices and should never have been booted from the Senate. What was he gonna do? Vote no on gender neutral bathrooms? Absolutely he was. Give me a break,” said Denton’s lifelong friend, Jason McFarland, who identifies as staunch conservative (except when it comes to weed).  “He was just speaking from his heart, which is incidentally just a shriveled up green bean. Either way, he’s gonna be a great replacement for Thrasher. He has big shoes to fill but my boy is ready for anything.”

Overall, the recent court ruling ensures that the push for equality and representation on campus is in good hands. Students are going to miss Thrasher, but now they’ll have a new fresh face in the Wescott throne.The live, laugh, love of FSU--Vires, Artes, Mores--will be upheld beautifully by Jack Denton and his wholesome agenda. Just don’t be caught off guard when they finally trade the Unconquered Statue for a crucifix.