Westcott Fountain Begs Birthday Jumpers To Please Take a Shower First
Well, folks, it’s Libra season. Even if you aren’t a coven-bound astrologist, we all know what that means. It seems like one of your friends has a 21st birthday every other day, and you can’t seem to escape the invitations to bump and grind with COVID-ridden strangers at Recess. Besides attending super-spreader events, the only other birthday tradition that transcends a worldwide pandemic is being thrown into the notorious landmark known as Westcott Fountain. However, diving into that delicious cocktail of piss and chlorinated water isn’t all chicken fights and photo ops. The aroma of our university’s centerpiece has been disrupted, and it’s up to the student body to rectify this stench.
“The first time I saw someone get thrown in, I thought they were trying to kill him,” said David Greenwood of the former Delta Tau Delta. “I was like, ‘No, don’t do it!!’ But then everyone was laughing, and it seemed fine.” David then looked around at his former brothers for agreement as they sat on the lawn of the empty fraternity house, surrounded by colorful bungee chairs and broken glass. All of them shook their heads in confusion. “Anyway, the water didn’t always have that bright blue color. There actually used to be koi fish in that fountain. I’m a sixth-year senior by choice, so I would know. I swear, it’s the stench of the people who workout at Leach without showering reacting with the chlorine or something. Girls just go to spin class and then get thrown in the fountain for their 21st and call it a night.”
“People forget that I have feelings and that, like, I want to smell good too,” said thee Westcott Fountain while transcending the gender binary. “People just jump in me without any thought about how I might feel. I don’t just give myself away to anyone and the least you could do is take a shower first before you hop into my water. After a while, when so many people are just banana-peel-slipping in and rinsing themselves with a bath of warm champagne, I start to smell like the alleyway behind Cawthon Hall rather than a fountain. I really don’t need the essence of the Tennessee Street Chick-Fil-A coursing through my jets and I think people neglect to think about that. If I had one message for the FSU student body, it would just be to think, not stink, before you leap.”
We can all learn a lesson from the fountain’s inner turmoil and really reflect on whether or not we’re doing our hygienic best. The next time one of your friends turns 21, make sure to ask them the last time they bathed before giving them the ol’ midnight baptism. If not for them, do it for the fountain and their fluid body. When approaching Westcott, be sure to consider whether or not your fragrance is suitable for our university’s magnum opus.