FSU Football Not Really Sure How They Did That Either
Upon first hearing that our football team won, a lot of fans were rightfully confused. Perhaps they misheard, or maybe the news was talking about some other Florida State Seminoles. There had to have been a mistake in the grand world of college football. We were going up against UNC for goodness sake. This game was meant to be a blowout and another crushing defeat. It was going to be another easy meme for the Eggplant and naysayers to capitalize on. But now, all FSU spectators have only one question on their minds: How on Earth did we win this game?
“I don’t know, I just held the ball. I think we scored a couple times? Not sure to be honest,” explained player Wyatt Tosser as he scratched his head and examined what the other guys were calling a “football.” “I have no idea what happened out there. One second me and the guys were having a game of hot potato with the ‘football’ like we usually do and then everything went hazy. The guy next to me tackled someone else on the other team so I tackled another guy. Next thing I know, we’re ‘making touchdowns’ or whatever the hell that means and the coach is jumping up and down. Is this part of the sport? No one told me how any of the football stuff works. I have been just kinda throwing metaphorical spaghetti at the metaphorical wall out here on the field. It is kinda nice to win.”
“Yeah no, this totally makes up for all the Coronavirus cases we just added to the list,” asserted FSU Head Coach Mike Norvell as he gave every player a fatherly pat on the head and a celebratory Powerade. “Swear to God, I had no idea these kids even knew what sport they were playing. When we first recruited them, we just handed them a helmet, some oversized pads, sixty-thousand dollars and told ‘em to go nuts out there. Winning was, like, a tertiary objective at most. A moment that really stuck out to me was that I did not need to explain what the numbers on the field meant again. It showed real growth from our little scamps. It really goes to show everyone that sometimes, a team of players recruited for the sole purpose of playing football can, in fact, win a game.”
Since their victory, the FSU Seminoles have been partying nonstop to celebrate their first win in what feels like ten thousand years. It has been a long time coming and the team was eager to show how they’re letting loose now. They insist it’s just as important to take time off training and strategizing for the next game to celebrate the little victories now, before they inevitably start sad drinking to cope with the losses again. After all, who knows when they will win again?