FSU Begs Students to “Cancel” Talloween This Year
If you are someone who regularly reads the news in Tallahassee, you might have noticed how FSU seems to be flying by the seat of their large clown pants. The school has suddenly relaxed their policies regarding social gatherings right after recent COVID-sufferer President John Thrasher explained how students were “kinda embarrassing him,” leaving him no other choice than to cancel all upcoming spooky festivities. To add to the bizarre decisions our school’s administration is making, FSU is asking their students to denounce Talloween celebrations online this year. By commenting #cringe on your friends Halloween posts, FSU believes it can make a real difference in reducing the spread of COVID-19 and venereal diseases alike.
“We understand how important it is for everyone to get sloshed on campus in a tutu and stockings. But, for the safety of our staff and students, we ask you to party at the apartment complexes instead. It helps with the lawsuits,” explained FSU spokesperson Miranda Flores as she looked away to cough in her sleeve. “We know the power of social media is important. At FSU, we pride ourselves on being active online and knowing our student body is no stranger to posting their horrible takes and poorly staged party selfies all over the Internet. We know exactly how much power a racist group photo of a fraternity can have and want to use that same influence to ‘cancel’ Talloween parties. Remember to #canceltalloween and tag us in the photos of you butt-chugging pumpkin extract!”
“I’m so, so down for #canceltalloween. In fact, I am hosting a #canceltalloween party just for the occasion,” announced returning frat boy Stefan Jenkins as he looked over the expansive guest list. “This Halloween is gonna be off the hook, just like mine and the boys’ history of legal allegations. But don’t worry, the lads and I are going above and beyond to make sure our homies are healthy. All of our online invites are appropriately tagged as #canceltalloween and we got pics of the littles and the bigs taking shots off of a massive, custom-made shotski six feet apart like FSU wanted. After my accident with the ambulance and not having a sip of water, I really wanted to come out and show my concern. I almost joined the little frat house in the sky for ‘unrelated, completely non-consequential health complications’ myself at one point too.”
In the spirit of #canceltalloween, Jenkins’ fraternity has also partnered with the FSU Health and Wellness Center to take a selfie right next to every student hospitalized in the past few weeks. By spreading awareness about the dangers of Talloween, including but not limited to taking jello shots out of syringes and swapping saliva with guys dressed as Tom Cruise in “Risky Business,” FSU and its student organizations hope everyone can recognize the dangers of the virus while also throwing caution to the wind while they go out and party. It’s all about the public image after all!