A Troubling Look Into an R.A.’s Single Dorm

Everybody knows that Resident Assistants are the coolest people in the dorms. They get to decorate the doors with outdated pop culture references, create uncomfortable icebreakers with freshmen, and spend time settling petty disputes. In addition to this, they get a rare single dorm. They don’t have to have a random roommate whose partying will inevitably give them COVID and an aversion to Smirnoff Ice. The Eggplant decided to take a look inside these elusive rooms and found many shocking discoveries.

Upon entry, we were met with a horrible stench that was traced to a trash can overflowing with ramen noodle cups and fast food bags. Next to the garbage can, there was a box named “confiscations.” Inside were cans of White Claw, dab pens, and half-burned seasonal Walmart candles. All of the pens were empty and used, which cannot be how they were when taken -- a mysterious finding considering the Beyonce-themed ‘Say No to Drugs’ bulletin board in the hallway. Before seeing this, RA’s were thought to be overly positive nerds who want to police people only a couple years younger than them. Based on the tally marks carved into the cement-block wall marking days passed, having to be in their dorm almost 100% of the time has taken a serious mental toll.

As fun as it might seem to have no roommate and a discount on room and board, a lot of work has to be put in, too. The Eggplant found hundreds of incident reports that were never filed. These included cases of roommates stealing each other's yogurt, a student crying they didn’t get into a sorority after dying their hair blonde, and a sliced finger after a boy’s dorm knife throwing contest went awry. These were all put on a bulletin board and students in the hall were connected with red strings. It seemed like every girl had a problem with at least one other girl in the hall. There was another string tracing the spread of gonorrhea that had been ravaging their students. Being on-call was clearly a full-time job with almost no benefits. 

After experiencing that Guantanamo Bay cell-of-a-college bedroom, we decided to report it to the head R.A. Their response was much different than expected, with him saying, “they’re all like that. Don’t worry about it. You think listening to 18-year-olds bitch and whine and having to host lame-ass events every day is gonna produce a positive result? Get real.” After hearing this, The Eggplant is encouraging all resident assistants to seek professional help immediately and consider finding another job. At least you don’t have to listen to freshmen get drunk while blasting ‘Broccoli’ at Target.