FSU Homecoming Announces Charli D’Amelio as Warchant Headliner
There are very few things that are keeping students afloat at this point in the semester. Professors are unquestionably double-teaming assignment due dates just to up the ante on communal suffering. At this rate, it seems that the only two things fueling the student body are a Chegg subscription and TikTok. With the inevitable collapse of our pseudo-democracy right around the corner, FSU Homecoming is attempting to stay relevant now that most events are postponed until Spring 2021 by doing what they do best: booking culturally relevant artists that will be forgotten next year.
“We were so excited when we finally got the green light to hold events up to fifty people again--as if people didn’t already pack the sweat locker that is Bajas every Friday. It gave me a sense of purpose now that involvement just feels like a bunch of people with only their foreheads showing on Zoom,” said Head Warchant Staff, Stefanie Rae, a current fourth-year Advertising major. “Even though most of Homecoming is slated for 2021, we are so excited to put on Warchant with TikTok superstar Charli D’Amelio in the coming weeks. We could really use a venue like Doak Campbell Stadium, but I guess we'll just make do in the pit of the Union, for you know, social distancing. “Maybe if we’re lucky, we can even get Charli to come to Dance Marathon with us. We love finding new ways to make our events seem less cult-y and connected!
“We can’t wait to host this influencer this year! We haven’t really recovered since that 2017 incident, but we are ready to end this decade and be the Tok of the town,” said Matt King, the Interim Student Activities advisor. King also mentioned that he has finally mastered the Renegade and is excited to coerce John Trasher to do it on stage with him and Charli. “With all of these new Gen-Z freshmen, this will definitely be a sold-out show. We can even hand out the Dunkin ‘Charli’ as a special, at-the-door commemorative gift since shirts aren’t really on the budget at the moment.”
Although this event might end up on TikTok Live with the trajectory of COVID cases, we can only hope that it won’t flop. It seems the only way to compensate her was through Tik Tok coins anyway. We personally cannot wait to see Miss D’Amelio and her ring light dazzle amongst the dusty Union construction. With all of the excitement in the midst, we also ask that you don’t lose sight of what’s really important. Don’t forget to vote in this election and follow us on Tik Tok @eggplantfsu.