President Thrasher’s 350k Bonus To Be Spent on Facelift From Dr. Miami
It was announced on Friday that FSU’s Board of Trustees has voted in favor of giving President John Thrasher a $350,000 bonus for the 2018-2019 school year. While this might seem like an exorbitant amount of money when there are plenty of homeless and low-income students who struggle to pay tuition every year, the money is, without a doubt, going to a good cause. During Thanksgiving break, Thrasher will be attending his first appointment with Dr. Miami to get the overpriced, reality-TV facelift of his dreams. This year has just been really, really tough on him, so why not lift his spirits and saggy skin all in one go?
“I’ve just been feeling kind of self-conscious lately,” remarked John Thrasher between sips of his on campus Chick-fil-A milkshake. “Of course this year has been difficult on everyone, but me especially. Rejecting pleas for financial aid, raising tuition for online classes, and writing memos about how to keep your property from getting stolen during a holiday has really made my crow’s feet especially prominent. I just need a little getaway, something to make me feel a bit more handsome before I retire. I want to leave the FSU student body with a sexy face they can really remember. That’s why I’m going to Dr. Miami. I know he’s going to make me look as good as I did when I was--wait, how old am I?”
“No, we had no idea about the surgery,” said FSU Board of Trustees member Julia Kash after moving her face mask down to her chin. “But I think he deserves it. That man works so hard, how could you not say yes to giving him that extra 350k? No, the Union isn’t finished, and we stopped offering free COVID testing because it was “too expensive,” but don’t you think he’s going to look so nice after all that excess saggy skin is gone? To be honest, I don’t care that much about what goes on in those meetings anymore, they’re like a period. They happen once a month and they’re kind of annoying for everyone, but once they’re over you always forget about them until they come back around again.”
Even amidst mostly online classes and a global pandemic, it seems as though our tuition money is certainly not going to waste. While sometimes in college it’s hard to remember what you’re working toward, keep in mind that there will always be a rich white dude getting a $350,000 bonus for taking headshots of himself in a mask. We’re all wishing John Thrasher a successful, youthful surgery and hopefully, a speedy recovery so he can get back to the office to do what he does best: absolutely nothing.