A Look Into UCC Counselor Training

Before starting any job, employees must be trained. Walmart teaches workers how to be rude, McDonald’s shows them how to break the ice cream machine, and the FSU University Counseling Center is no different. We went into a UCC employee session and stole a training pamphlet to see how the counselors get so good at making you wait 2 months for an appointment.

Step 1: A student comes in because they think that something is wrong. They think, but they don’t know. When they come in, it’s important not to take what they say too seriously. Of course you have to listen to boring stories about their breakups or self-diagnosed depression so it’s only natural you want to play on your phone or something during that time. Since they are already in a state of being irrational, this will upset them even more for some reason. Try to keep phone usage to a minimum (4-5 rounds of Candy Crush) while listening to students’ sob stories and attention grabs.

Step 2: The students that come in expect some sort of diagnosis or solution. I know what you’re thinking: this isn’t my problem! It’s annoying but you have to try a little bit. Here are some quick things you can do to get them out of your office. Look up their grades and GPA, and if they are fine, then clearly nothing is wrong. If their grades are bad, suggest the ACE tutoring lab. If this doesn’t work, suggest that they make new friends or join a club. This is a tried and true method because most of these kids are losers and uggos and are just bitter they don’t have friends. If all of that doesn’t work, simply say that they seem fine and “this will pass.” Remember: the point is to make sure that they don’t come back, so reassure them that nothing is wrong and there is no need to make another appointment. 

Step 3: If a student seems to be a danger to themself or others, you should type their symptoms into Google. If it doesn’t seem that bad, just let them go. If the result does seem bad, you should also let them go; you’re not a brain surgeon, after all. Students just want to know that everything is going to be alright and that all of their problems can be fixed (since it’s always their fault anyway) so your only job is to provide that reassurance. Don’t forget: if a student even mentions trying to transfer from Florida State, let them know that it is a terrible idea and will only make their life worse--their tuition is paying your salary!

Upon viewing the training pamphlet, it is easy to see why the University Counseling Center is known as the worst place on FSU’s campus--and it’s not just because it’s right above the SLC. Counselors are focused on making sure students don’t come back so they have more time to update their Facebook statuses and refer to themselves as “first responders.” But it’s also free, so students should take whatever they can get.