Norvell Ecstatic That Biden Win Distracted Seminole Boosters From Blowout Loss to Pitts
For the first time in seven years, and the second time as ACC opponents, Florida State faced off with the University of Pittsburgh. In a truly predictable manner, FSU suffered yet another embarrassingly crushing defeat. Luckily, with the election called by Associated Press earlier Saturday morning--signaling the end to Trump’s soggy grip on America--Norvell’s eventual buyout is tabled yet again as Seminole Boosters refocus on lobbying efforts.
“If there is anything more important than making sure a lackluster football team sells tickets, it’s keeping a raci--conservative in a position of power. I was kind of nervous that I was going to get strung up by both diehard fans and Seminole Boosters but it seems that the Venn diagram for football fans and uber Republicans is a literal circle,” said Head Coach Mike Norvell, as he wiped a tear from a crumpled offensive play sheet. “I’m glad most of the folks left by halftime to make it to the impromptu Trump rally at the Capitol; we could only hold off the Panthers to maybe the second quarter so they didn’t witness the absolute blowout in the second half.”
“It’s imperative that we milk the fans, alumni, and students of the little coins they have left in the midst of the pandemic to fuel our glitzy Champion’s Club slumber parties. Maybe it’s time to consider yet another Head Coach change, but after we only received one million from the PPP loan, covering only an 18th of Taggart’s buyout, we have to pick a different battle,” said Seminole Booster’s Director of Finance, Noah Guy. “If we are to ensure that taxpayer funds continue to legally fuel our 3 A.M. robed get-togethers, the legislature has to be the most toxic swamp to exist. Thus, due to the unfortunate end to Trump’s short-lived political career, we will begin to reallocate funds to ensure our red grip on Florida stays strong.”
Florida, oh Florida, learn something from Pennsylvania--not only did they flip their state, but they also flipped our ass too. With a matchup between FSU and Clemson in the near future, disappointment will not end this weekend. Hopefully, Norvell will last to see more than one and a third of a season before board members crawl on their knees to get Boosters to fire yet another head coach. I guess only time will tell, in the meantime, let’s celebrate that the transition of power and beauty of democracy is playing out right in front of our eyes!