Local Music Major Livid His Apartment Doesn’t Have a Balcony
As COVID-19 rips through the world, people have had to figure out ways to entertain themselves and keep morale high. Virtual happy hour, learning Tik-Tok dances, and playing tic-tac-toe with various pets have become some of the favorite ways to prevent boredom amid the quarantine. However, the most popular way to raise spirits started in Italy and has spread across the globe: balcony concerts. Musically talented people across the planet have taken to their balconies to give free concerts to their neighbors. Still, FSU student and Collegetown resident Jason Spears is livid that his apartment doesn’t have a balcony so he can show off his musical skills for his entire street.
“This is so insane that I don’t have somewhere to display my amazing ukulele skills. I started a YouTube channel my junior year of high school to go viral, but I know if I had a balcony I could play on, my videos would finally get more than 100 views,” said Vocal Performance asshole Jason Spears when asked about his lack of a balcony. I have this remix of Tame Impala and Selena Gomez’s “Can't Keep My Hands to Myself” that I know would blow up if I could play it somewhere other than my Soundcloud account. The people who have the balconies facing Madison Street keep blaring “The Box” to make everyone miserable, but my music taste is so much better than theirs. Did I mention that I can sing? I made all-state chorus when I was in elementary school for singing “Hot Cross Buns” with recorder accompaniment. How am I supposed to showcase my talent to the world when I don’t have a forcibly captive audience?”
Kaitlyn Baker, a fellow FSU student who shares a wall with Spears’s apartment, didn’t mince words when asked how she felt about her neighbor’s musical talents. “If I had a choice between listening to someone yacking up their last box of stockpiled mac n’ cheese or Jason’s music, I would choose the vomit. Jason’s music is like a mix of Rebecca Black and Mason Ramsey’s yodeling; it is so annoying that it makes me jealous of Helen Keller. He is so bad that I actually miss my frat neighbors; at least when they yack, they do it to the beat of the Chainsmokers!”
In this time of widespread trial and tribulation, a cover of “Somewhere Over the Rainbow,” on the ukulele may seem like the obvious solution. But it’s important to remember no one liked it when you did that in the cafeteria in high school, and it’s definitely not going to fly now. Just remember that the next time you want to sing for a crowd, maybe practice it in the shower a few times first before debuting it to the whole apartment complex. This isn’t fucking Italy, bitch.