Professor Definitely Drinking Whiskey From Coffee Mug During 8 AM Zoom Lecture

The first day of class for professors is always hard for many reasons. They have to speak to an entire hall of younger, hotter people and their dress code must be professional while their students will inevitably arrive with still-wet hair and muscle tees (although no one complains about that). But the hardest part of all is that they have to be sober. Well, ever since classes have switched to the online platform Zoom, professors can easily sneak in a couple doses of hard whiskey into their coffee mug. How else must they wake up to talk to their computers at 8 am, most likely dressed professionally from the waist up? Thanks to this awful virus, the professor's slurred words and very bold hand movements can pass for being just a little under the weather or a mere lag in the live feed. 

“Loooook, what more do you want from me? I’ve just got off an entire spring break of self-isolation, and now you expect me to give lectures from my house? The place where I sleep and shit? That sounds absurd if you ask me,” said Professor Banks as she justified her “Mommy Fuel” mug hitting 50% ABV while shoving her enormous hoard of toilet paper out of the camera’s view. “If anything, this helps me engage with the class more, since it’s now remote or wherever the fuck. They need to feel as if they’re still in our lecture hall without knowing I’m sitting bare-assed on my office chair. And it’s not like I’m just tossin’ it back - I gotta make this last for all four of my zoomba lectures today,” she slurred while holding up a full handle of Tennessee.

“It’s only the first day of Zoom, and my first professor was already completely wasted. That’s normally my thing. What was supposed to be a lecture on advertising became a hard life lesson on the dangers of never marrying and becoming a professor with a love for dog-themed wallpaper,” said student Ashley Benning while repositioning her camera to hide her embarrassingly aqua blue childhood bedroom. “My professor, of course, tried to throw us off by using a coffee mug, but she kept refilling it every 10 minutes under her desk, and anyone with a half-decent audio system could hear her repeat and translate the word ‘advertising’ to ‘advertism’ whenever she lost her train of thought.” 

Changing an entire syllabus to be online for four weeks is more complicated than one might expect. Professors need a splash, or lengthy pour, of liquid courage in their morning coffee to start their day of holding the attention of students still laying in bed. Professors have it hard, much like their iced tea they’ve concocted for their afternoon zoom lectures, so think twice before judging their decision to have a little fun before the world ends.