Graduating Senior Excited to Move on to Doing Nothing
The day every college student has dreamed of has finally arrived: graduation. After two full hours spent waiting to hear their name called by a random donor, a college graduate has been born. Obviously, for this year’s ceremony, the expectation has been shifted. No longer will you be dragging your 90-year-old grandpa back to the minivan after he missed your name being called while in the bathroom. This year is different. Your grandpa and the whole family can watch you graduate from the comfort of their recliners, while you strut across the living room with your Magna Cum Laude cords, freshly delivered by the Registrar’s Office via FedEx. And when that’s done, you can proudly pull off your gown and get back into your PJs, alum, because there is truly nothing else for you to do.
“I’m so proud to announce that I have no plans for after I graduate!” said Meg Blum, graduating Media Communications and Creative Writing major, while closing all her tabs and thinking about—but not actually—applying to grad school. “I definitely have big dreams for myself, but because of this pandemic, I’m gonna have to just nip those in the bud, aren’t I? I always wanted to move to New York to become a star, but the whole city is waging biological warfare against itself. I guess I’ll just sit on my pretty little ass a bit longer and take this as a sign from the universe that it’s nearly impossible to pursue a career in entertainment. Thankfully, I have the ability to stay up till 2 A.M. every single night to fear for my future and think about reducing my daily calorie intake. Either way, my dad said he’s proud of me, so.”
“We are really so proud of her,” said Mark Blum, Meg’s dad, and biggest supporter, while crunching numbers on how to support his new graduate now that there are no jobs anymore and watching his wife cook dinner. “My daughter is a bright young woman, but the timing for her graduation just simply could not have been worse. Her mom and I try not to let her know how concerned we are about her and her inevitable next two years living at home, but sometimes we just cry. To be empty nesters for 4 years and have both of our daughters move back home at the same time—it’s just not fair. They’re fucking slobs, and this is really cutting into my personal time watching ‘Curb Your Enthusiasm.’”
Most graduating seniors must feel the same way; four years of hard work and nothing to show for it. It sucks ass and not in a progressive, sexy way. Still, job well done, Class of 2020! Good thing we will all be unemployed when our class reunion/multi-month-delayed graduation rolls around so we can go back and shake John Thrasher’s ancient yet supple hand. But good things do come to those who wait, and Class of 2020 is patient as hell. Although graduating seniors are in a strange place now, they’ll bounce back and become the future doctors, lawyers, and comedians their parents have dreamed about. Don’t give up, graduates, you’ll be out of your childhood bedroom before you know it.