EXPOSED: FSU Staff Salary Turns Out To Be 3 Pennies and a Suwannee Meal Voucher

According to an anonymous source, Florida State University (FSU) has been paying its employees a mere three pennies and one Suwannee Hall dinner meal a year. Staff also has the opportunity to earn a Christmas bonus of two free orientation t-shirts as long as they never request a pay raise. Since the University is located in Florida’s poorest zip code, staff have reported that despite having a “full-time” job, the pay is not nearly enough to get by. This may be true of some employees, however, many deans and old white researchers say they get by with their humble two-car garage and three paid time off vacations a year. We spoke to a staff member to get some real answers on Florida State University’s salary epidemic.

“I have been working here for 11 years and I still make less than $28k,” said the anonymous doctoral graduate. “Last month my utility bill went up by $500 so I emailed my boss asking for some financial support. The next day I came in and they took me into a closet, spit on my face, and kicked me in the shins. If that wasn’t bad enough, they then locked me inside and put one of those Ed Sheeran math albums on repeat. Horrid.”  

While this reality may be true for 90 percent of Florida State’s employees, some faculty members have argued they are financially content. “Sure, I have to cut costs here and there. There have been many nights where my wife and I have cooked humble home meals instead of going out for sushi again. But overall I believe my pay is consistent with how much work I put in,” said Dean of Doctor Sciences John P. Westcott as he scrolled through his emails in an anti-gravity massage chair. “Here at Florida State University, we are committed to the appraisal of equity across all members of our student body and faculty members so long as their families have donated at least three months of money meant for their rent and child’s college tuition to our football team.” 

Some students are asking where all of their tuition money goes, if not to salaries? Well, perhaps ask Pete Davidson who got paid $150,000 to complain about Ariana Grande for the 2019 Homecoming show. Or ask Club Downunder, which has the budget to shoot fireworks out of the top of Strozier but pays its event directors a dollar over minimum wage. Or better yet, ask the many STEM deans that pay more for their family cruises than an average staff member may make in a semester. This may be a satirical newspaper, but this is a real problem.