Local Man Who Summoned Demon for FSU To Win Will Pay The Ultimate Price
Let’s be honest with ourselves. After FSU Football came in at a crisp 0-4 record, no one had any confidence that the boys could pull it together and give us a win. However, it seems as though one of our very own has made the ultimate sacrifice and summoned an unknown, immortal entity to give our good ol’ pigskin lads the W. The Eggplant would like to issue an official thank you to our friend on the dark side, but also inquire about what exactly this win will cost for this one selfless student.
“I didn’t even look at the contract,” admitted dedicated FSU football fan and Phi Psi pledge Chad Thaddington. “I just signed it in my blood, killed that virgin and recited the Latin script I was told to. Whoever I made the deal with said I have ten years until they come and collect my soul. I mean, that’s a while, right? I’m here for a good time, not a long time. If it meant that my boys could collect that dub, it was worth it to me. It was just so embarrassing watching them lose over and over again. I tried to get in touch with one of the local astrology witches who hang out behind Einstein Bros to conduct my own spell, but she just put a hex on me to make me fall in love with her. At least in ten years when they come and drag me to Hell I won’t have to spend eternity with my new girlfriend ☆〰εїз Serenity εїз〰☆.
“Tricking the boy was easy,” said The Demon. “Every man at this university has an IQ of around 67 so I pick people up from here all the time. Hell, I’ve gotten souls in exchange for a Spicy Chicken Sandwich coupon. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes, I guess. I can’t really be blamed for any of this, we are coming up on Halloween, so the portal between our world and yours is pretty thin. Also, they summon me themselves, so it’s not like they’re not asking for it. Plus, they have ten years before I actually come and get them, so they won’t be meeting Satan for quite some time. I wouldn’t advise that they get married or have kids or anything, but they can definitely spend the next decade hosting predatory tailgates and luring girls in with bounce houses so I think it’s a win-win scenario.”
No matter how much it truly costs to get FSU to win, The Eggplant commends Thaddington for his commitment. He is truly FSU Football’s biggest fan (which is more than can be said for most of the school). It is currently unclear whether or not this Hellish agreement extends beyond this week’s game, but the football team can rest easy knowing they have the devil on their side.