FSU Deans to Provide Pizza Party for Staff Members Who Can’t Afford Rent
A truly heartwarming scene filled the Globe this last Tuesday as many staff members of Florida State University were gathered for a complimentary pizza party provided by the few department Deans who weren’t taking paid time off. The generous event was organized after recent complaints of ‘unethical treatment’ and ‘outrageous salary gaps’ began to leak out over social media via a few professors who coincidentally went missing over the weekend. Deans who threw the fling together with the help of a crumpled Lil Ceasar’s coupon and .0009% of their weekly salary claim they wanted to remind faculty of just how valued they are.
“Here at Florida State, we’re always here for our Seminole family. It just guts me to hear such nasty rumors that we would treat any member of our staff otherwise,” Dean of Business Affairs Jim Bradford chided, checking his gilded Rolex impatiently as twin sniper dots appeared on the foreheads of two custodians attempting to get a second slice. “The media has such a talent for hysterics these days. I’m not too big on monitoring what they’re actually paid, but I’m pretty sure our employees can sacrifice luxuries like ‘child daycare’ and ‘therapy’ in order to serve the university that’s done so much for them. I had to schedule a second acupuncture session in Miami this weekend since I was so stressed about real issues, like which promotion for the School of Business should appear on the big screen of the next home game.”
“The soggy crust of Lil Ceasars won’t bring back the time I’ve lost with my grandchildren,” Psychology professor Miranda Hawthorne spoke in a hushed monotone, staring blankly at the two slices of pineapple pizza on the styrofoam plate shaking in her hands with thinly veiled rage.
With two PhD’s, a Nobel Prize, and thirty years of teaching experience under her belt, Dr. Hawthorne has yet to afford health insurance off her current salary, much less retirement. “I’m fucking allergic to pineapple, but groceries weren’t in the cards this week,” she admits over the loud wailing of her stomach before taking a hefty bite, “My epipen is in my purse, be a dear and shoot me up if I start gagging, won’t you?”
After a few messy scuffles over leftovers, the partygoers were escorted back to their respective offices once they surrendered their social media passwords for a newly-instated university integrity policy. Despite several mental breakdowns from attendees who were quickly gagged and ushered into closets by foreboding cloaked figures, the pizza bash was dubbed to greatly improve morale in the work environment. Organizers were excited to inform us that next month, they may have a Taco Tuesday night followed by a rousing round of bingo.