Burrito Boarder to Host Grimes and Azealia Banks

The days of local house shows with bands like Her New Knife and Airport Drive are long behind us. Burrito Boarder’s sticky stage is moving up to the big leagues, officially squashing the beef between longtime rival musicians Grimes and Azealia Banks. Following Grimes’ breakup from evil Tesla tycoon and hair transplant recipient Elon Musk, the two problematic figures have decided to come together and give the people what they’ve always wanted: a collab. It’s unclear exactly how Burrito Boarder became involved in the operation, but it is believed that their stake in Tesla was recently traded in for an appearance from the ethereal pop superstar. 

“I’m really excited, I’ve never been to Tallahassee,” Grimes told The Eggplant. “I’m not sure if I’ll be able to find the exact brand of cricket juice I drink here, but my lightsaber fits inside of my carry-on, so the trip’s been pretty good so far. X Æ A-Xii couldn’t come with me for this show, but I’m excited to bring him back a quesadilla. Azealia and I have been considering doing this collab for a while now, but it’s exciting that Florida is finally going to be our landing zone. I can’t give anything away about the music yet, but let’s just say it’ll blow the roof off this strip mall” 

“Who?” Asked Burrito Boarder server and FSU senior Josh Reynolds. “We have local people perform here all the time. They all sound the same. Occasionally you’ll have the Mitski-Doc Martens-Vintage Levi’s e-girls getting horny over some bass player with dyed bangs, but nothing substantial. Supposedly the turnout for this show is going to be pretty great, but the crowd is gonna be mixed. While some people are just trying to enjoy their bean burrito, others will be in a k-hole crying about how they can’t figure out why their dad left them as a kid. As long as they tip, I don’t really care.”

This exciting new duo will be taking the Burrito Boarder stage next Friday, October 8th at 8pm. Knowing these two crazy girlies, it will probably be closer to 11pm when they actually perform (if at all). If you’re a generally sensitive person, we’d recommend staying six feet back from Azealia at all times as she has been known for her downright-discriminatory callouts. And most of you guys are easy targets.