Ben Shapiro Talk Was Just One Big Humiliation Kink Rally

It’s one thing for a university to champion free thought, but it is another thing to bring a literal radical alt-right leprechaun onto campus. The joke writes itself considering a campus climate survey was released last week about diversity, equity, and inclusion and yet, here he is: a man that hates all three of those things. Despite protests, the seats were filled with man-children dressed in Vineyard Vines, MAGA hats, and mommy issues like you’ve never seen. Tucked in the depths of the Civic Center dungeon, Shapiro had a different goal in mind with Monday night’s keynote speech.

“He was very specific about booking this circle jer--keynote speaker series in predominantly liberal cities. We usually go to places like Asheboro, North Carolina but for some reason, cheering doesn’t really do it for him,” contemplated Richard “Dick” Richardson, Shapiro’s Tour Manager. “In fact, there is something about hecklers and booers that really motivates him. I mean, his wife literally doesn’t sleep in the same bed as him, so he has to get off somehow I guess. For a man who doesn’t know what a WAP is, he really gets these daddy’s money Republicans wet.”

“Yeah, that was a pretty weird event. At some point, they brought out like a satanic ring and Ben Shapiro literally started levitating. I guess he really wanted those extra inches,” said Eric Price, a sophomore Entrepreneurship major. “I just came for the drama but they seriously need therapy. Shapiro literally ends every tirade with ‘this will finally make my egg-producing homosapien of unspecified gender finally proud of me!’”

On a normal day, you’d want to #TPWK but it’s hard to be nice to assholes who wet the bed in a temper tantrum when their five-foot chipmunk overlord doesn't "own the libs." Like seriously, if you went to the Ben Shapiro assembly unironically, how does it feel to have no life? Not know the touch of a woman? Never gain your mother’s affection? But hey, that’s none of our business!