Jake Gyllenhaal Reportedly Crucified Atop Union Scaffolding Following “All Too Well (10 Minute Version) (Taylor’s Version)” Release
Swifties everywhere were absolutely, catastrophically, unprepared for the events of this past weekend, but there was perhaps no one less prepared than the culprit in question himself: Jake Gyllenhaal. On Friday, Taylor Swift rocked the ultimate metaphorical boat by further digging the knife into the wound of her defunct relationship with Gyllenhaal, and he has been paying the ultimate price ever since. People were so outraged by the newest 10-minute portrayal of the couple’s toxic relationship that students took matters into their own hands when dealing with the terrifying actor. This morning, he was spotted crucified atop the ever-expanding Union scaffolding.
“At first I looked up and couldn’t tell what it was,” said Union construction worker John Jorgensen. “I was like, ‘It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s A-list actor and Brokeback Mountain star Jake Gyllenhaal!’ It was quite a shocking sight to behold, but I’m not exactly sure what anyone expected me to do about it. Clearly, the FSU student body has made their feelings about Gyllenhaal clear, and who am I to get in the way of guerilla justice? He called her up again just to break her like a promise, and that is absolutely unforgivable in my eyes. He didn’t even show up on her 21st birthday, which is supposed to be a fun one. I mean, who does that? He got what he had coming. It also helps that this keeps me from having to do my job for the foreseeable future.”
“They strung him up there with some kind of makeshift crucifix,” remarked Gyllenhaal’s manager, Jess Dior, from the ground of the Union construction site. “We have an intern up there who has been trying to get him down for hours to no avail. Jake gets really nervous with heights, so he keeps saying that once someone finally gets him down he’s going to have his true Nightcrawler moment. I don’t think any of us want to find out what that means, so I’ve been calling around trying to figure out our next move.”
Whether or not human biohazard Jake will remain on top of the Union for the immediate future is something that remains unanswered. What we do know, however, is that tote bag babes and Doc Marten enthusiasts will be distraught over the re-release of this nearly decade-old album for several months to come. Or at least they will be until the Swifties finally conspire their way into figuring out whether 1989 or Speak Now will be the next album arriving from Ms. Taylor Alison Swift. If this is what they did to Jake Gyllenhaal, John Mayer better be counting his sweet, limited days.