Recent Report Shows 4 Rivers Employees Feeling “Awfully Left Out” From All Other Campus Eateries With Lines Out the Door
A recent and very official campus census report from an FSU accounting major turned up results that prove FSU’S Class of 2025 has pushed us to the brink of campus overpopulation. This baby boom has caused almost all campus restaurants to be laughably busy at any given moment. Yes, you do look stupid joining the Strozier Starbucks line that is out the door. In the mood for breakfast? There is no better instant gratification than a Thursday morning Einstein’s bagel to cure your White Trash Wednesday hangover. Too bad you have to be willing to wait 45 minutes just to be told they’re out of every bagel except blueberry. No matter where you go on campus, you’ll be waiting in a line that has the campus squirrels laughing.
However, there is one shining diamond in the rough when it comes to efficiency and quality. Overlooked in the midst of your blinding campus hunger after emerging from your Dirac dungeon is 4 Rivers, hidden away in the deep depths of plain sight in the Chick-fil-A building. When speaking with 4 Rivers employee Natalie Barber, she stated, “We just feel left out. We sit back here watching all the popular girls flip their hair and laugh together as they eat their chicken nuggets. What people don’t realize is that we have slow-smoked brisket and nicer seating than the Chick-fil-A side. She dusted the cobwebs off the cash register, “the only business we really see are the loyal agriculture students. At least we can give a handful of students a little taste of southern comfort.”
We also got a take from the business hoggers themselves. "I honestly just feel kinda bad for them," said Chick-fil-A employee Tony Rodriguez with a sigh, "like no offense but it's a little embarrassing.” When asked about what he thought 4 Rivers could do to get a better presence, he explained,“I mean that’s honestly tough. It’s really not their fault that Chick-fil-A, the overpriced hot dog stand, and petition tables nearby get longer lines. I guess they could try serving food really early since no one else is, but who wants pulled pork at 8 a.m.? I just want them to know there’s nothing wrong with coming last. It takes courage to stay open when you share a building with us next door.”
There really isn’t anything wrong with 4 River’s food, and the people behind it are actually quite wonderful, donating money to local charities and organizations. Unfortunately for 4 Rivers, penance only kicks in after you’re gone. So next time the Chick-fil-A line is out the door, consider throwing 4R a dollar or two, they could use it.