Rise in FSU Therapy Appointments After Students Unable to Think of Fun Fact for Ice Breakers

With the start of classes comes the continuation of old-fashioned methods of attempting to bring together a room of students who will never speak to each other ever again. Like, ever. Following forced ice-breakers and questions like “what’s an interesting fact about you,” or “what do you feel destined to do within the short span of your life,” students found themselves flocking to their nearest mental health resource.

“I didn’t realize the damage I was causing,” began FSU introductory English Professor, Mrs. Briggleys. “The question I asked was a simple one, and I just wanted to get to know my students better. It was all going fine! Some students played the piano, others went to the Bahamas last July. By the end, we had to end class short because I couldn’t teach over the sound of dry-heaving!” Students have since commented that the fault isn’t Mrs. Briggley’s, but teachers should be more aware that some need time to practice sentences in their mirror every morning, such as saying “here!” over and over again in case of attendance.

“We’ve been really overwhelmed with appointments here at the FSU Health and Wellness Center,” stated John Boom, newly licensed therapist. “While we assume most students will be driven away by how poorly we treat them at their first therapy booking, we barely have enough therapists to cover our 5 regulars or the random appointments booked by someone who frequented the ‘We’re Not Really Strangers’ Instagram account one too many times”. Whilst chatting, Mr. Boom passed notes around the waiting room that read “it’s all gonna be ok”, then promptly asked if students felt better and could leave now. “Our method has mainly been trying to convince students that it is, in fact, ok to be blithely uninteresting.” 

All in all, therapists have weighed in with some general advice for anyone feeling worthless, ugly, and/or stupid. Everyone should begin accepting that some people are baseless humans with nothing remotely interesting about themselves. If someone relates to this sentence, they should look deep and hard at all their gross little habits and start to think of those as intriguing personality traits as opposed to “deal-breakers” or “mental illness”. If all else fails, sit in the middle of the room so you are neither called on first nor last, then say your cousin is Timothee Chalamet. Who’s gonna check?