Market Wednesday To Host New “Black Market Thursday” Sister Event
You know it. You love it. Market Wednesday. Every mentally unstable member of the FSU student body’s favorite day of the week. You can browse cute jewelry, get harassed by a variety of clubs and fraternities, and the male manipulators can thrift for overpriced curated vintage: it’s got something for everyone! And now, riding on the coattails of Market Wednesday’s success, FSU is looking to give a different kind of local vendor the spotlight in what they’re calling “Black Market Thursday.” Instead of buying crystals and crochet, students now have the opportunity to shop for illegal firearms, hitmen, and so much more!
“I just couldn’t take living with them anymore, so I decided to seek out other options,” said an anonymous Landis Hall resident who’s tired of their annoying roommate and is seeking a hitman. “I heard about Black Market Thursdays where there are plenty of hitmen willing to kill anyone you want,” added the Landis resident excitedly. Hitmen are among one of the most commonly asked for services across Tallahassee (right behind rare and totally not poached animals), and now FSU’s students can have an easy access on-campus option. Emotionless TA’s, toxic ex’s, the kid who keeps coughing in class, etc. If you name it there’s someone willing to get their hands dirty for a price (bitcoin mandatory).
One might think, “who would support an event like this?” and when asked, the FSU Burning Spear Society’s very own President [REDACTED] responded. “We just felt like FSU wasn’t degenerate enough. We wanted to show support to a group of people who rarely get the spotlight. What better platform for black market goods than the city of Tallanasty,” President [REDACTED] added. With the ominous and powerful hidden influence of the Burning Spear behind this new sister event, it’s sure to be a success and looks to be a prospective FSU institution.
It might seem like Tallahassee itself is basically a black market already, but the convenience of having a Market Wednesday-type showcase for the fine criminals of FSU seemed too good to pass up. Nowhere else are you able to buy and sell hot commodities like HCB skaters' illegally harvested kidneys for such great prices. The very first Black Market Thursday is around the corner, and anyone looking for the venue can simply ask their local pharmaceutical representative, they always know where to go. Normally, someone might ask if something like this is illegal, but in the GTA-style city of Tallahassee, anything goes!