Florida Man Discovered Living in an FSView Newsstand for 30 Years

The FSView is one of the longest-running news networks at Florida State. That’s right, FSU News has been burning trees since 1915. Despite living in the digital age, FSView maintains options for those who prefer physical reading, like old people and losers. Newsstands can be found all around campus containing headlines about President McCullough doing his job. Typically, students' first reactions to these newsstands are, “Huh. Nice pun”, and then they move on. But one certain individual has taken advantage of the low demand for newspapers in the digital age.

FSUPD recently learned that someone used the newsstand for hospitality purposes since the internet took over in the 90s. The discovery was made after one student who mistook the newsstand for a trash can spotted a couch and bean bag inside. “It was like I was looking into Mary Poppins’ bag,” the student recalled. “Honestly, I’ve lived in smaller apartments than that.” When asked how such an event could occur, one FSView reporter stated, “Well, our content hasn’t changed much since the 90s. We just stopped restocking the newspapers at a certain point. I don’t think anyone noticed.”

Last month, the newsstand resident was identified as FSU alumni and shirtless man Bert Kreischer. “It wasn’t easy living in an old abandoned newsstand, but it sure had its perks. No housing dues. No roommates. No RA!” Kreischer exclaimed as he rubbed his tummy. “I used the stand as sort of a crash pad after hitting Tennessee Street. I knew my time was up when the school booked me to perform at the Tucker Center. Kids used to leave their half-empty PBRs on top all the time, too. That’s probably the part I’ll miss the most,” Kreischer sighed.

This heart-warming story has elicited many positive results for the Tallahassee community. The newsstand was featured on Tiny House, Big Living on HGTV. In addition, environmentally conscious FSU students repurposed FSView newspapers for dresses, kitty litter, arson, car floor covers, paper mache, and much more! FSView couldn’t be more thrilled that people have stopped using the coveted newsstands as just another urinal.