Guy Who Keeps Revving Car Engine Wants to Make Sure You Know His Schlong is Massive

There’s nothing more defining of living in Tallahassee than the sweet sound of an engine getting revved so loudly and so frequently that hearing damage is being spread throughout the community faster than COVID-19. Whether it's dusk or dawn or rain or shine, every mad lad with a massive truck and an even bigger ego will take any excuse possible to make sure their car can be heard across town. Despite the inherent controversy surrounding blowing out the eardrums of every elderly person in the city, we all know that the size of a guy's dick is famously in proportion to how many decibels a big ol’ stomp on the gas pedal can create. Obviously.

“Dude, you just don’t get the culture. There’s literally nothing that gets a girl’s attention like revving the shit out of my 2012 Toyota Prius. It ain’t the size of the package ladies; it’s the power of the engine, if you catch my drift,” said Travis Garcia, who repeatedly scratched at his junk throughout the entirety of his long-winded speech. “Mind you, the only girls that have approached me have done so to yell at me about how obnoxious and rude I am. But we all know they wouldn’t have bothered talking to me if I didn’t have a stupid amount of horsepower. So really, I’d say I’m the winner here.” Garcia, with the maturity and social grace of a guy who is determined to have the final word, then finger gunned and strut off before any further comment could be made.

“Wait, Garcia? He’s the headass whose car sounded like it blew a gasket right in the middle of my Zoom online exam. My whole class heard his stupid car through my microphone before remnants of exhaust fogged up my screen. It was humiliating,” said Stacy Grey, who hasn’t actually left her apartment since the start of the semester, and had nearly forgotten the sounds of the outside world until this incident. “How could having an obnoxiously loud engine mean he’s got a big penis? That’s not how it works. It’s called overcompensation. I would know because the last guy I dated paid money to get louder mufflers and his member was perfectly medium.”

If a person you know truly feels that the best way to express to the public that they have a ginormous package is by revving their grandma’s souped up Corolla, don’t let them take it out on everyone in a half mile radius. Try looking for some alternatives, like playing GTA or driving a much quieter electric car. Maybe they could try using it as an icebreaker for their next class, instead. Or, of course, they could save us all the time and just take notes from Rihanna herself: “shut up and drive.”