Devil's Advocate Excited for More Face-to-Face Classes
With the positive COVID rates at Florida State steadily increasing, administration has still decided that the spring 2021 semester will feature more in-person classes. FSU has maintained its policy of “money over everything, chase that bag,” which will soon replace the outdated motto of “Vires, Artes, Mores.” While students start drafting their wills (A.K.A who they will leave their bongs to), the devil’s advocates of the student body could not be more excited.
“Online school is such a waste of money,” said sophomore poli-sci major Jonathan Harris. “To play the devil’s advocate, I think the schools should be fully opened and turn it into survival of the fittest. Herd immunity. I’ve heard that term before and I think it would be effective.” Harris is immunocompromised, having asthma and worms inhabiting his brain. “I’m not gonna fall into some liberal ploy of putting myself in total isolation and having to let the debate club down. For the last two months, I’ve been trying to simulate face-to-face classes by not wearing a mask and constantly unmuting himself to interrupt the hottest girls in my classes.”
We met with another student, Stuart White, who also expressed his excitement for the end of virtual classes. “With Zoom, everyone feels brave enough to talk during class. Usually, only the smartest people who have mastered the course material feel like they have earned the privilege to contribute to the discussion,” said White, a junior whose major is currently undecided, but is confident that he’ll figure it out soon enough. “I’m just sitting in my Intro to Environmental Science class trying to play Subway Surfer when some female interrupts and asks a dumb question about polar bears or sea-level rise.”
From our research, we’ve gathered that the only students who are actually looking forward to getting out of bed for school are guys who like to be controversial in class and hear themselves speak. Forget COVID--more and more straight white guys are getting infected with something that makes them say phrases like “if we could just circle back” and “with all due respect, I strongly disagree.” There are high amounts of cases in frat houses, young republicans meetings, and the FSU honors dorm. We encourage all students to wear a mask and steer clear of any confirmed devil’s advocates.