Top 11 US Presidents I Would Let Absolutely Rail Me
Are you tired of hearing about the election? Here’s our official countdown of the top 11 mostly crusty old white men (who also happen to be presidents) that I desperately want to desecrate me sexually.
11. Warren G Harding
Harding was known for his extramarital affairs with multiple mistresses, so you know he is a fox in bed. He is giving us major Anderson Cooper vibes. Plus, swipe his nose like a credit card.
10. Grover Clevland
I’m a sick fuck for a mustache like that, and you know what they say about big staches. I don’t think they used to call him “Big Steve” for no reason. The sheer girth this man must be packing is no joke.
9. Bill Clinton
Maybe Monica was onto something with this one. From what I heard of him from that John Mulaney bit, he seems like a pretty charming guy. I’ll do anything to make my dad mad.
8. Lyndon B Johnson
LBJ can be great in my society if you catch my drift. From Social Security to Medicaid to the Civil Rights Act of 1964, this man sure knows how to please.
7. Ulysses S Grant
You can’t spell “commander of the Union armies” without “come in me”. And god damn, he is handsome.
6. Millard Filmore
Millard Filmore more like Millard Fill-me More. Millard gives me big dick energy and I can’t explain why. Maybe it’s the sass coming from the hand on his hip; maybe it’s Maybelline.
5. Abraham Lincoln
He gets bussy privileges for emancipating the slaves and several other sexy things I’ve forgotten since 4th grade social studies. Honesty is the most important thing in a relationship, and Honest Abe has it covered. We can't forget how good he looks in a top hat, perfect for a day at the theatre!
4. JFK
They say he’s mind-blowing in bed. Arguably the most conventionally attractive president. It just makes sense.
3. Barack Obama
Just look at that smile, damn. I call him the adorable care act. He could drone strike me, and I wouldn’t even be mad. People think he’s pretty cool and I’m all about looking good for a crowd.
2. Franklin D Roosevelt
This is my New Deal Boyfriend. No one must touch my New Deal Boyfriend. Oh, the things I would do for a fireside chat with Franklin here.
1. Teddy Roosevelt
You can bust more than my trust, Teddy. He is our conservationist daddy war hero who deserves to be recognized as the absolute king he is. This man carries around a giant stick (get your head out of the gutter). Did you know that he got shot by a would-be assassin before a speech and then proceeded to give the entire speech before going to the hospital? This top tier 1 could top me any day.
Honorable Mention: Soon to be President Joe Biden
Because he beat Trump. You’d look so sexy banning fracking, Joseph. Yes, he’s pretty cool and knows Obama. The sexiest president is one who acts on climate change, equal rights, and the Coronavirus pandemic. We can’t buy you out like Big Oil can, but we could potentially consider giving you a slot in our top five most fuckable presidents. That’s tempting, right?