Man "Picking Your Brain" About The Electoral College Actually Just Trying To Have Sex With You

Well, if absolutely nothing else, we’ve made it. Sure, it’s been preceded by nearly constant public horror, reliable disappointment and increasingly urgent messages from text bankers providing your phone with the most consistent action it’s gotten in months. But it is once again the most wonderful time of the (four) year(s): Election Day. We all have our ways of coping; some go doom-scrolling through Twitter for all the hot goss on this nation’s imminent collapse, while others look for like-minded individuals to engage in some healthy discussion. However, some may have poorly hidden intentions in their pursuits of commiseration that remind us with a bit too much enthusiasm that the personal is political.

"I should've known the conversation was going nowhere when I asked who he was voting for and he said he 'didn't like labels,'" said senior political science major Jenny Bradford, adjusting the placement of her "I Voted (Early)" sticker against her girl-boss blazer's lapel. "But nevertheless, I persisted. When he asked for my ‘take’ on the electoral college, I was ecstatic at the chance to give my spiel to someone outside my major who I didn’t have to coerce into conversation, and I guess I should’ve known that was too good to be true. I rambled for at least a Ted Talk and a half complete with a salient analysis of 2016 as a case study to make it clear that I'm #StillWithHer. I didn't realize my audience was actually just spending the duration of my speech revving up for a pretty underwhelming sex pun."

"What? So a little political flirtation makes me the bad guy?" said senior and recreational contrarian Joshua Fitzpatrick, toying aimlessly with a Rubik's cube that appears to be more of a prop and less of a thing he actually knows how to solve. “To be fair to me, as we should be, I wasn't really expecting her to give like, an actual answer. I thought it was obvious enough that I couldn't sincerely care about a potential response that the question itself would play like kind of a joke on its own. Tough crowd, I guess. I was hoping for something a bit more concise so I could say that I'd elect-oral her college, if you know what I’m saying. Honestly, I’m not even sure what that means, but she didn't appreciate it and I ultimately didn't get to. I'll workshop it."

Humor can be a powerful realm of refuge during times of political stress or disaster, but occasionally the attempted humor is the disaster itself. Regardless, leave it to oblivious and overly confident men to pitch in and keep the effort alive. In uncertain times, that kind of consistency can honestly be a little refreshing. While the outcome of the election still remains uncertain, we can all take comfort in the one constant in all of our lives: horny men.