No-Shave November Opening Doors for Girls With Werewolf Syndrome
Holiday season brings many rituals and rites that give opportunity for those celebrators hiding in plain sight. Although November is marred by nationalist propaganda, there is a pack of pretty people working to grow past that. Children of the moon, daughters of Diana, Shakira fans, and even Victoria Justice in that one movie, werewolves are claiming this month as their own, going out with their grow-out. The hairy girl initiative to normalize body hair is being spearheaded by local lycanthrope Lola Crawford and her network of bushy-browed babes as they call for their neighbors to ditch their razors and dance in the moonlight.
“Razors traumatize the skin, and as someone who loves the skin they’re in, I don’t need to exfoliate it away,” said Lola Crawford as she meticulously laid the ends of her brows into her cheek hair. “Western beauty standards have demonized body hair. What’s actually demonic is shaming a girl into shaving her punani within an inch of her razor bumped life. Hurt people hurt people, and if it takes the tossing of our trimmers to begin healing, then grab the tea tree oil and Shea butter because we are kissing our bumpy ride goodbye.”
“I don’t have any problem with the movement, it’s just that their howling keeps me up,” said Ingrid Simmons, apartment neighbor to Crawford. “Y’all can pluck and prod or let flow whatever natural hair you got going for you but please stop yelling at the moon, she’s not listening.” Simmons’ complaints of Crawford’s activism started with a note left on their superintendent’s door on November 1st reading: “I denounced the church when I was 17 and never looked back, but the sounds coming from my upstairs neighbor’s apartment last night made me pray to God that they be delivered through this.”
If you’ve been craving that trip to your microblade technician or that masochistic meeting with your waxologist, try practicing self-love by embracing that collar hair. It’s the girls with the Barbie doll crotches that you got to be watchful for, because who knows what dog might’ve already chewed on her brain. For now, condition those baby hairs, even if they started growing out of your chin at fourteen. Because if you can’t love your body hair how in the hell are you gonna give hairy head, can I get an amen? All right now, let the flutists play!