Jay Alvarrez Sex Tape To Be Nominated for Best Cinematography at 2021 Oscars

If you’ve ever been one to yearn for life outside of your small Florida town, then you’re probably very aware of Jay Alvarrez. His Instagram, which documents both his abs and gorgeous models in different bodies of very blue water, is nothing short of a nightmare for parents whose kids begged them for a GoPro during the summer of ‘16. While being in the Maldives is what Jay is most famous for, he seems to be dipping his toes (and other things) into a different kind of fanbase: a horny one. It’s a cinematic sex tape like we’ve never seen before, and The Academy is taking notice.

“That sex tape was insane even though nothing happened. I felt bad for watching it because it was a leak, but everyone kept talking about “coconut oil” this, “coconut oil” that. I got major FOMO,” said Cindy Jenkins, who lives in the landlocked state of Ohio. “My birth dad lives in LA and apparently there were so few movies released this year that they’re thinking of throwing it a “Best Cinematography” nomination. I totally get it. That camera guy was putting in WORK. I mean, it’s almost like they definitely wanted it out there for the world to see. I guess travel videos are harder to make now, ‘cause you know, the pandemic.” 

“Yeah, I filmed it,” said FSU Film student Harry Kissinger as he threw “Storyteller” into his Twitter bio. “They really mean it when they say the connections here are insane. I mean, it’s no NYU, but thanks to the untaxed paycheck I got from this gig I can finally afford Letterboxd Pro. I’m coming forward about this because I heard they were thinking about throwing an Oscar my way, and I’ve been itching for a way to show my professors who’s boss. Better pick up your light meter and go, Roger Deakins, because all this kid needs is a one-night stay at La Quinta and a sick backtrack to get things done.”

It’s true that a certain craving thought to be left behind in high school was unexpectedly satisfied by the release of this sex tape. Whether or not this tape and its illustrious film student videographer take home the coveted golden statue this awards season, we’ll never forget the coconut oil sheen of Jay Alvarrez’s skin, which has caused hundreds worldwide to give themselves yeast infections. We’ll also never watch Mean Girls the same again. Damn you, Jay.