Girl Who Claims She’s “Made for the Big City” Still Can’t Parallel Park

We know the familiar story. A bright, ambitious girl ready to take a city by storm with her creative abilities and her impressive wow factor. There’s just one problem: she’s not as street-savvy as she would like people to think. One look at downtown parallel parking and rehearsing for her one-woman show might not seem as pressing as before. Will her big, unique dreams still stand up against the mighty parking spot on the curb?

“I’ve dreamed about being an actress since I was a little girl, and I just know I’m made for the big city,” said Danielle Peters, a recent graduate of Florida State University preparing to move to NYC. “I’ve been planning my move to the Big Apple for the past seven years. I’ve learned the names of every theatre, talent agency, and pest control company in Manhattan. But now, I’ve learned some grave news. New York has parallel parking.” Peters, who owns a pink 2006 Volkswagen Beetle, drastically avoids all events, restaurants, and cities that are riddled with the dreaded parallel parking.

“Last time I parallel parked I was at a beach in Sarasota, Florida. I tried to fit in between the other spots but ended up ramming into not only the car in front of me, but also the car behind me. The police were shocked that there were multiple spaces in between me and the other cars, but I still caused a multi-vehicle collision. To this day, the haunting reminder of those white, horizontal lines is a little too much to bear.” Peters best friend, Hannah Smith, was a witness to Peters’ embarrassing parking skills during a girls trip to Chicago. “She just sort of left her car parked in the middle of the road across from the parking spot. Cars kept honking, but she was already running away towards the Chicago Bean. She received four parking tickets that day.”

As she prepares for her move, Peters has opted to remain in denial that her parking jobs are not a reflection of her street smarts. Hopefully, her loved ones will do the right thing by sneaking a city guidebook in her suitcase and hiding her car keys in a safe. Or maybe even by selling her car altogether as a way to encourage the use of trains, subways, and other modes of public transportation that avoid the fabled white lines. The city would thank them for it!