Leaked Documents Reveal Online Pfizer and Moderna Beef Was Manufactured By J&J The Whole Time

Another day, another leaked document revealing something to the public they should have already known was happening. This time, to the shock of barely anyone, the leak shows that the recent viral trend of proclaiming which vaccine you got and trash-talking the others was all a ploy by big pharma company Johnson & Johnson. It turns out the company that owns most things you put in and on your body was tired of playing third fiddle in the vaccine race and just wanted to stir up trouble between the other big two fish in the pharmaceutical sea. Whether you posted that you are a “Pfizer hottie” or a “Moderna baddie,” you’re really just a corporate sellout! Which is still better than not getting vaccinated.

“We do not condone any form of hate speech against other vaccine companies or any rhetoric that implies one vaccine is any better than another,” said Dr. Dennis Parton, infectious disease expert, all-around zaddie, and spokesperson from Moderna. “Our purpose as a vaccine producer and distributor is to get our product out to the people who need it so we can get life back to normal. Despite what you might have seen perpetuated online recently by the soap company, our vaccine will not and never claimed to make you any cooler, or any hotter, which is a real bummer.”

“I don’t care what Jackson and Jeffery did. You can pry my status as a Pfizer hottie from my cold dead vaccinated hands,” said Christine Smith while also frantically ranting to her Twitter followers that the barista at Starbucks spelled her name with a ‘K’. “This sounds like a bunch of loser Moderna propaganda to me and nothing else. Imagine listening to anything those clowns have to say. It couldn’t be me, bestie. My title will be staying in my bio for the foreseeable future, at least until my next performative hashtag needs to go there.”

Unfortunately for Johnson & Johnson, the barely even funny trend was chewed up and spit out in a solid two days, and the internet has fully moved on. Just in time for J&J to make the headlines themselves after their vaccine got suspiciously paused by the FDA. This means that just because you can get the job done in less time with less material, it doesn’t always make you the best. Johnson & Johnson may be big pharma, but it may just be time for them to get some big karma.