Prince Philip’s First Day in Hell: A Striptease With Lil Nas X, Fist Bump With Reagan, and More
While 99-year-old Prince Philip’s death certainly didn’t shock the world, waking up in Hell likely shocked the old bastard. The Duke of Edinburgh had a lot to catch up on during his first day in Hell, and he needed to make a lot of rounds to former friends, colleagues, and secret lovers. Below are four things that Prince Philip did during his first day in Hell, and some of them might surprise you.
1. A Striptease With Lil Nas X
On the day Prince Philip passed, Lil Nas X was making his weekly rounds to give Satan and his associates their lap dances. Prince Philip figured, “Hey, why not? It’s my first day in Hell, after all.” He slipped the “MONTERO” singer an extra $20 to take him to a private room, and, well, the rest is history.
2. Fist Bumping Ronald Reagan
The War on Drugs was one of Prince Philip’s favorite times in American history (not because he was racist, obviously, but because he really hated drugs) so he had to take some time out of his Purgat-Orientation to give a fist bump to his BFF Ronald Reagan. Reagan couldn’t fist bump the Duke back because he was sitting in a perpetual jail cell full of hot iron, but it was a sweet gesture nonetheless.
3. Met His Hellmate, Osama Bin Laden
You’ve heard of cellmates, but once you cross over into the spiritual realm, you have what’s called a Hellmate. This is the person you suffer with for eternity, and Prince Philip was lucky enough to be paired with Bin Laden. The two instantly bonded over their love of war and chaos, so perhaps Prince Philip’s suffering won’t be as unbearable as initially thought.
4. Ate His First Underworld Meal, Crock Pot Chicken
We all know the feeling. You come home after a long day of class or work and see your parent stirring the Crock Pot on the counter, full to the brim of some kind of mystery chicken concoction. It’s truly horrifying. In Hell, you must endure the Crock Pot for every single meal, never quite sure if what you bit into was a piece of chicken cartilage or a soggy piece of carrot. Prince Philip, used to the comforts of Buckingham Palace, was unamused.
Some might say it’s wrong to celebrate the death of anyone. When you’re an old, racist imperialist, however, sometimes the jokes are justified. If you take personal offense when people make fun of the Royal Family, just ask for Prince Philip when you get down to Hell. He’s saving a seat for you, bootlicker!