Where is Jacksonville State?

There is nothing more unpredictable or devastating than Florida State’s cursed football team--it makes meteorology almost an exact science in comparison. It’s almost as if stomping on a Seminole head every game is not such good karma. We went from one 37-yard kick that could’ve changed the tune of the entire football season to losing to a state that’s not even a state. Leave it to FSU to play an “easy” team only to lose. Do we even need to write? The humiliation writes itself. But it leads us to a more critical question: where even is Jacksonville State?

“This game was supposed to reinvigorate us. Instead, it was like rubbing asphalt into gangrene,” shouted FSU’s Offensive Coordinator, Jim Angler from the top of that big football tower no one can seem to sneak onto. “Like the non-existent defensive line, where the hell is Jacksonville State? No one seems to know. Allegedly, it is the friendliest campus in the south, but their hospitality really ended when they stabbed our field. This game unquestionably put JSU on the map and further pushed FSU to obsolescence.”

“I’m not sure why FSU decided to face off a team whose roster consists of a hodge-podge of Power 5 transfers from the SEC. Their head coach is literally Deion Sanders. What was Norvell thinking?” reported Eggplant Sports Correspondent, Deez Naughts. “It’s one thing to face off maybe the University of North Florida, but we got walked over by a team where half the student body hails from Florida. If FSU is known for something, it is being known for getting the shittest firsts. In fact, that was the first time we lost to an FCS program. Congrats, assholes.”

This game served as a reminder that we have an overfunded football team, way too little parking, and too much hope. There’s nothing wrong with being an optimist but no new coaches can fix this explosive dumpster fire. At least now we can bring drinks to the stands so we can pay $9 to drown our sorrows, one shitty beer at a time.