Eggplant Horoscopes September 2021

Well, the time is finally nigh. Everyone is back on campus sweating their asses off and wondering what’s next. Never fear, for the Eggplant’s Astrology task force is here to very accurately predict what the grand month of September holds for all whose eyes lay upon this article. From love to school (because really, what else is there?) we’ve got the hot ‘goss on it all. 

Aries: Babes, I get it, it’s a stressful time, but that’s literally no one’s fault but your own. It’s time to breathe instead of scream and introduce some mindful practices into your life, and if you still feel like screaming, do everyone a favor and do it into the void (or maybe just your pillow). Or punch a hole in the wall, who are we to tell you what to do?

Taurus: So, how are the hurricane snacks you bought? We kid! We love that you are always so prepared! It’s a fellow earth sign month--what that means for you is that you’re going to also do great things, babe. Although mercury in retrograde is coming, don’t be afraid, you have Libra with you! In the meantime, go get that Pumpkin Spice Latte, you deserve it!

Gemini: Gemini, oh Gemini. You can’t keep getting away with faking a British accident to avoid paying cover at Recess, but it’s impressive and very anti-capitalist of you. Don’t get too carried away though, love, we know that you’ve already missed two discussion board posts. Pull yourself together so you can make it to the end of the semester in one piece. We literally just got here.

Cancer: BABE, STOP CRYING! Ha, sike. Who are we to tell you to stop letting those salty drops fall into that three-day-old Chipotle bowl? It’s soooo good that you’re eating your leftovers. This month bodes well for doing something batshit crazy. Like taking a last-minute trip to Belize or randomly getting a boyfriend for three months. 

Leo: Leo, Leo, Leo. It’s now Virgo’s time to shine BUT that doesn’t mean you can’t be your edgy, sexy, and main character self. Anyways, this can be your month. Go finish that artistic endeavor that you’ve been putting off for months. Wear your docs. And go assert your dominance on the fifth floor of Strozier.

Virgo: Happy birthday to YOU, legend! Since it’s your season, expect tons of productivity and also maybe a lot of sex. Manifest the sex if you want it though because you deserve it, probably. Really take this time to be narcissistic and remember to make choices for YOU. Your birthday season is the only time you’re allowed to do that. You little perfectionist, you. 

Libra: It will soon be the first day of fall thus, just shy of Libra Season BUT that doesn’t mean you have to pretend to like Apple Crisp Macchiatos. Some things just aren’t meant to be (like the person you fell in love with at Pots smoking Reds). Also, just because people make eye contact with you at Market Wednesday does not mean you are morally obligated to join yet another student organization. Protect your peace, babe.

Scorpio: Woah woah, are you sad? What are you, Cancer? Pick yourself up and stop putting off your first assignments. School just started a week ago. Well, this week technically. Maybe it doesn’t actually start for you at all and you’re just kind of flying by the seat of your oversized-clown pants. Maybe there is no plan after college and all those aspirations and dreams will stay dreams. Perhaps you’re grappling with the fact that you are pursuing an expensive, higher education in a system designed to deny power and wealth to you unless you were born into it or win essentially a networking or opportunity lottery. Maybe you just wanna hide under a rock and eat moss. Hm. Maybe we should be tackling a lot more. 

Sagittarius: Hey there, man. Get yourself together! I see that you may not be Elon Musk-ing at the moment, but remember to put those self-affirmations to use. Would all of your friends talk to you if you were ugly? No? Exactly! By association, you are hot and sexy and perfect. To really get back on track, set some goals for yourself this month. Starting some projects, working out, and eating healthy are all great examples. Cutting off all of your friends is NOT a great example! We love you, loca. 

Capricorn: Once again, dear Cap, you have outdone yourself. And when we say that, we mean that you have totally overstuffed the baked potato that is your weekly schedule. Do everyone a favor and stop complaining about it. You literally love it. Nothing gets you off more than being all, “Ugh, I have a meeting in fifteen”. And that’s okay! While you click-clack away on that little keyboard, make sure to take time for other stuff. Like shopping and being horizontal. 

Aquarius: My, my, my, Aquarius. Love is in the air! If it isn’t, it definitely will be this month. I promise you, that person who you think is your friend really just wants to open mouth kiss you in the summer rain. Make it happen! If you start actually attending your 9 AM classes and eating around 3 sufficient meals a day, I promise, things will start to make sense. Keep doing your judge-y sexy intelligent aesthetic thing, we all love it, and more importantly, love you!