Cute! This Pair of Pants Has a Built-In Fat Pocket Made Just for You
There’s nothing more exhilarating than going home for the holidays and watching the scale climb faster than that struggling GPA could ever dream of, making those resolutions feel absolutely farcical. With no one to impress outside of their high school dropout crushes, winter breakers were woefully caught sporting joggers and old soccer tournament tees as a sort of commentary on the lack of athleticism engrained in winter break culture. As they find it harder and harder to button up the ol’ pair of dungarees, a new invention that’s not that new appears: a built-in fat pocket personalized to fit just about anyone’s gorgeous gut.
“The fat pocket is something we here at Pants Incorporated thought of years ago. We are in charge of making all pairs of pants worldwide and decided that all of them, except for the ones that you love the most, should have a little extra room in the belly button region, just in case,” said CEO of Pants Incorporated, Johnathan Kennedy, as he looked over a new business model for huge trousers with tiny pockets. “There’s really nothing to it. High-waisted pants are so en vogue these days; we figured we might as well extend that style with a few extra inches that look weirdly bunched up no matter how you’re sitting. These pants will have the middle school you wondering, ‘do these pants make me look like I have a boner?’”
“It’s so fascinating how a good amount of my pants seem to have just the perfect amount of room for my tummy, even after I eat an entire bag of Tate’s chocolate chip cookies all by myself,” said brand-new MyFitnessPal user Jessica Barker as she did a ‘lil jumping dance to try and squeeze herself into her favorite pair of Levi long boys. “Sometimes there’s a little spill over the top, but I don’t really mind that. I can just tuck any extra rolls into my magic fat pocket and voila: I’m uncomfortable! Now I won’t have to worry about this extra winter weight until my crush rejects me in two months, causing a full-on self-hatred spiral.”
Not a fan of the fat pocket? Too bad. They’re in every pair of pants and there’s nothing anyone can do about it. Unless, of course, the low-rise jeans community decides to rise up in a ruthless coup lead only by those with 0% body fat and Paris Hilton on the best white drugs money can buy. For now, guys and gals with guts are safe to shimmy their pants up as high as they wish. Just let the fat pocket do the talking because everyone is beautiful as they are and no pants alteration will ever change that.