Betta Fish Adopted Last Month Waiting for Sweet Release of a Toilet Bowl Flush
We get it--it’s the most cursed midterm season to date. Morale is lower than your Pre-Med roommate’s organic chemistry exam curve and the Zoom fatigue also isn’t helping at all. Plus, there is an 85% chance the mask sitting in the front cupholder of your car has not been washed in an embarrassing amount of time. We know, it’s rough as hell out here. However, the one thing you need to absolutely quit doing is putting that poor Betta fish you’ve acquired as your quarantine partner through any more emotional distress. So, please, for the love of all that’s holy: clean their fucking tank.
"I think he’s doing great! He is swimming through this hoop I made for him and he totally floats, like, half of the time! He also has been taking up a little more sleeping on the rocks and I have never felt so seen,” said Annabelle Lewis, a wanna-be junior biologist whose idea of the field is just her fifth-grade science fair project with an updated Scientific Method. “Colby Jack the Sixth has not been doing well; he was turning 21 in fish years the other day so we might’ve poured a shot for him. It’s safe to say Colby probably enjoyed it as much as people setting their foot in a puddle of ‘water’ at the club.”
President of FSU’s Betta Babes Society and self-proclaimed fish whisperer, Angie Splendens, has graciously lent out her thoughts. “It’s literally not that difficult to clean the tank. Half of the tanks people own are the size of my fist when they should be much bigger, there are literally no excuses,” mentioned Splendens, who has since started heckling students and handing out flyers that read ‘real men clean tanks.’ “The poor fish literally wants to jump out from any height to end it all. Like, he has definitely tried and missed. One of these days it will definitely make a leap of faith into the toilet, leaving you no choice to give it a quick flush before pretending to care about the other people and things you’ve neglected.”
As much as it is tempting to neglect your scaly friends whose thoughts and feelings are harder to read than your Capricorn ex, please for the love and spirit of AYCD, just give the fish away. There are probably four different “alt” folks in your friend group who would be more than happy to take the poor lad out of your hands. Otherwise, do your fish a solid and at least schedule in a cleaning once a week--their tank reeks, bro.