Spotted: Girl Riding Around Town On E-Scooter Definitely Having a Main Character Moment
Samantha ‘Scoots’ Stillwell was once again reportedly sighted coasting around on an e-scooter in a vivid display of her independence last Monday. Donning her trusty flared jeans, tote bag, and signature notebook she carries everywhere that may or may not have poetry about her shitty ex, the sophomore creative writing student has caused quite the stir in the streets. Onlookers have described her as ‘majestic,’ ‘mysterious,’ and just the right amount of ‘relatable.’ Alternative indie music with a distinct coming of age vibe can be heard blasting from her quirky Radioshack headphones as she cruises around the outskirts of campus.
“That bitch hit me the other day on the corner of Madison,” Junior Maya Gomez claimed while propped up by a pair of crutches “She slammed me right into the ground before stopping to take my hands and ask me if I was okay, looking deeply into my eyes. Said she was ‘such a klutz’ and…for some reason I asked her out? I’m not even gay, I have no idea why I did that. She just giggled and scooted away to leave me with a broken ankle on the sidewalk.” Her most recurring destinations have been coffee shops and lonely park benches. Once stopped, she will either gaze longingly across lakes or out of large windows until someone chooses to sit next to her and ask her what’s wrong.
“Yeah she comes in here about three times a week at sunset after hitting up Catalina Cafe,” said Serenity barista Reed Delise as she polished a mug with dead eyes. “She always adjusts her glasses and asks for ‘the usual.’ I don’t know what that girl does for a living, but between the scooter fees and iced coffees she’s gotta be breaking the bank…or the bottom of the toilet bowl from all that dairy constipation.” Many claim that she has bonded with a supernatural entity, with the range of her locations sighted on scooters varying wildly in an alarmingly short span of time. “She fucking teleports, man,” swore Clyde Boullitier, a double-senior who was visibly shaken by Stillwell’s antics. “I’ll be in my truck, see her just cruising around Cascades, get on the highway and BAM--there she is again backing up traffic.”
Paranormal activity at play or not, Scoots shows no signs of hitting the breaks anytime soon. Despite the weight of the world, our trusted heroine will not cease letting the euphoria of sustainable public transportation flow through her veins, as newfound purpose shines in her eyes. Don’t let her free spirited flowing hair and tinted aviators fool you though, she’s scooting away from something. Whether that something is an ex-lover, her own feelings, her awkward relationship with her father, or the five pissed drivers she cut off, only time will tell.