5 Mediocre Gifts to Get the Person No One Wanted for Secret Santa
It’s that time of the year again; the time when your group chat decides it would be a fun idea to test the ties of friendship in the name of giving a reason to the season! So you draw your shredded piece of a Trader Joe’s receipt and think to yourself, “God I hope I don’t get REDACTED.” To your dismay, they who shall not be named reads poorly across the slip. You might be feeling at a loss, but fear not! The writers of the Eggplant are here to help. Here’s your ultimate Secret Santa gift guide for your least favorite friend.
1. Self Care Basket
If there’s one thing everyone has in common, it’s the crippling feelings of stress and dread weighing on their shoulders at all times! So what better relief than a sugar cookie scented bath bomb that will never actually end up in a tub? Just finding out their favorite candy will feign some sort of emotional connection with the gift, and they’ll appreciate the bottle of lotion that came in the set that will just sit in the back of their bathroom cabinet for the next few years. If you want to go the extra mile, consider including a stick of extra-strong deodorant.
2. Some gift you got last year that you never used
Sometimes the best choice is not one that you must seek, but one that has been shoved to the back of your closet along with a couple of old shoeboxes and your prom dress. Whether it be the purse your mom got you at Macy’s last Black Friday or the necklace your boyfriend got you right before you broke up, if they haven’t seen it, it’s good as new!
3. A life-size cutout of Matthew Morrison
If you hate this person, I’m sure the rest of your friend group does too, they must be feeling pretty lonely. The gift of companionship is a gift like no other, and with a life-size replica of Matthew Morrison, they’ll never feel alone again! Not only will it scare them every single time they walk into a room, but it will also creep into their nightmares and haunt them for weeks, it’s a win-win scenario. Make sure Matthew’s cold, dead eyes are the first thing they see when they wake up in a cold sweat!
4. Mints
Whether it be little peppermint candies or an entire bottle of Listerine, this is a sure-fire way of making this person feel like absolute shit. When they ask why you got them that gift, say you thought mint was their favorite flavor! The harder you lean into gaslighting them, the more they will have to question their dental hygiene vs your intentions. It’s a gift and a mind game all wrapped up into one, and who doesn’t love a good puzzle?
5. Literally your shit in a bag
Okay, maybe you really fucking hate this person. Wouldn’t it just be so satisfying to make them open a bag of your own shit in front of all of your friends? We’re all gonna die, might as well! You can approach this in many different ways, like making up a study that fecal matter makes for a good face mask or perhaps just staying silent and watching them try to make sense of it! Unless they’re into that--yikes--but you can always kink shame them. As long as you’re under the price limit, your choices are limitless! So go forth and absolutely body this gift exchange like the bad grinch you are.