TA Copes With Being a Dork-Ass Bitch by Grading Your Papers Too Harshly
Whether it’s the irreparable brain damage caused by an overly sincere high school theatre stint or a six month “I think I can pull off a fedora” phase, we all have shortcomings that we spend every day trying to compensate for. For those whose trauma stems from a combination of being picked last for kickball a few too many times in elementary school or genuinely considering auditioning for Jeopardy every year, the mighty power wielded by the teaching assistant can be enticing. With almost none of the respect of an actual professor and the authority to put tiny dents into the GPAs of their inferior peers, the chosen few can exact retroactive and misplaced revenge on kids who maybe would’ve bullied them in middle school if they'd had the chance.
“My favorite is taking points off for oxford commas. For using them or for not using them,” said TA and kid who always reminded the teacher about homework being due, Jack Phillips. “The application of the oxford comma is purely stylistic and doesn’t break any grammatical rules either way, but the instructions say ‘at your TAs discretion,’ don’t they? That’s the great thing about my job. My power goes vastly unchecked. Nothing beats the high of commenting that a paper is a ‘strong effort’ with a 'few weaknesses’ and then four-out-of-five-ing the rubric until the essay is down to a B+. Just low enough to be a little disappointing but still high enough that no one emails me about it. Don’t let anyone tell you it’s an easy job, though. Sure, my responsibilities during class range from passing out the attendance sheet to collecting said attendance sheet, but I assure you that my sense of superiority is completely substantiated.”
“He seems to be taking this TA thing pretty seriously,” said junior Melissa Carson, a student facing the wrath of Phillips’ teaching assistance this semester. “He wears a blazer and a tie to every class, which is just way too much pep for a 9:30 a.m. class. He’s got the energy of a teacher’s pet but like if the teacher was allergic to pets, you know? He’s a little weird about grading, too. My last paper had three points taken off for spelling. Like, just ‘spelling.’ There wasn’t any elaboration, and it was only three points. What am I gonna do, write him an email about it? I think I’m just....confused. I guess my paper did have a lot of spelling in it? Not sure how I was supposed to avoid that if I’m honest.”
As long as the teaching assistant remains a steady fixture in the experience of higher education, college students everywhere will have to deal with not-so-former weird kids asserting their purely situational dominance all over their research papers. Maybe their enthusiasm for the job comes from a desire to avenge the mistreatment of their pre-pubescent selves or maybe cosplaying as someone with meaningful authority is just a thrill. Regardless, it’s probably for the best that their fury usually only manifests via comments on discussion board posts.